


Be My Eyes

by Meluna_01



Category: Death Note, Death Note & Related Fandoms
Genre: AU, Abuse, Alternate Universe, Birthday, Blind Character, Blind!Light, Blindness, Car Accidents, Cliffhangers, Coffee Shops, Detectives, Disability, Disabled Character, Domestic Violence, Fights, Flashbacks, Fluff, M/M, Party, Sexual Tension, Slow Burn, Suicide, Triggers, Walking Canes
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-05-14
Updated: 2018-06-19
Packaged: 2018-07-22 10:11:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 27,437
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7432119
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Meluna_01/pseuds/Meluna_01
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“Can I ask you something L?” Light said.<br/>“You just did, but yes of course.” L replied.<br/>"Could you maybe tell me what you look like?” the brunette looked at his feet nervously.<br/>L stopped, he definitely didn’t expect that last question. He stuttered a soft “Uhm…”<br/>“Only if you want to of course…” Light noticed his discomfort.<br/>“Well..." The same bony fingers curled around Light’s wrist again L brought the brunettes hand to his cheek slowly. </p><p>It was such a fragile thing, blossoming between them when they least expected it. And if only for a moment they both felt safe. Because perhaps not all fragile things where meant to break.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Untied shoelaces

**Author's Note:**

> Hello dear readers.  
> I was not happy with what was happening in his fanfic and i wanted to stop.  
> my girlfriend, however convinced me not to and helped me though my "writing depression."  
> we made an outline and we have been working very hard on new chapters.  
> we changed a bit in the story that was already online so if you are a old reader i would suggest you read it again.  
> thank you so much for your amazing support and patience over the course of a few months  
> I'm very happy to present this new chapter for you all and I plan to upload 1 chapter every week on Friday. 
> 
> i also like to thank my two beta readers Lea and Rose for helping me make this story better.  
> I would very much appreciate it if you leave me a comment when you find a mistake or generally don't think the story makes sense. 
> 
> <3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a rewrite of Be My Eyes  
> I changed a bit in the story that was already online so if you are a old reader i would suggest you read it again.  
> thank you so much for your amazing support and patience over the course of a few months  
> I'm very happy to present this new chapter for you.
> 
> I would very much appreciate it if you leave me a comment when you find a mistake or generally don't think the story makes sense.

Light knew that he was a disappointment. He knew that his parents had always wanted him to be the best. They had always bragged about him, at school, at gatherings, at parties. They told everyone how amazing Light was and how good his grades were. Light hated being bragged about, especially when half of it wasn’t necessarily true.

Over the years the teen became an expert at talking himself out of situations where he had to interact with people. And he learned, when he couldn’t get away with a bad excuse, to just stay quietly in the corner and no one would notice he was even there. Until, of course, one of his parents called him and he had to stumble across the room to talk to people he didn’t recognise, about all the “amazing” things he did. 

He managed to escape most of the parties he had to attend. Light would sneak out and take a walk. His parents where extremely punctual and the brunet would stay out until minutes before they were due to leave. 

Light would usually walk until his cane met a bench and he could sit down. He loved being outside. He loved the noises of the city and the ease in which he could move. He loved his walks best when it was cold outside, freezing or snowing. He adored being packed in loads of clothes when the biting cold air blew around his ears.

Sachiko’s birthday was no exception to the brunet’s routine. He hid in the corner of the kitchen hoping no one would notice him, until his sister Sayu walked up to him.  
“Everyone is here, Light. No one will see you if you go now” She whispered and handed Light his coat. “I left the back door unlocked.”  
Light smiled at her and stood. “Thank you Sayu, I owe you.” He murmured, ruffling his sisters hair before picking up his cane and slipping out the back door.

It was still too warm for Light’s liking, even though the biting cold October wind cooled Tokyo down. Leaves dancing poetically on the breeze as it rustled through the trees. Giving the usual sounds of Tokyo a warm and cosy edge. The male walked cautiously, listening to the rhythmic tapping of his cane on the pavement. He took a deep breath and inhaled the autumn air. He could feel the warmth from the setting sun on his slightly tanned skin.

Light knew the way to the park like the back of his hand, he had walked it so many times. He preferred sitting on one of the benches with cracking paint and marks where plants had tried to grow. The sound of people and the tiny stream nearby calmed him. That evening he chose to walk the long route, giving him the opportunity to hop by a small coffee shop.

 

As he did so he got some time to sort out his thoughts. His mother had given him some fancy clothes that afternoon and told him there would be a few nice girls at the party, daughters of her colleagues. She wanted him to talk to them, make new friends and possibly even date one of them, but Light really didn’t want to date a girl. Especially not ones that Sayu had described as ‘The bitches from Mean Girls’. The teen had just nodded in agreement and dressed to please his mother.

_Girls… Right, the only girls I’ve ever met where annoying and loud… Maybe I’m just not looking in the right direction, I’m sure there is someone out there for me._

Light reached the coffee shop and pushed against the door. As soon as he stepped inside a smell of fresh baked cookies and ground coffee beans hit his nose, along with the cosy sound of talking people and the buzzing of machines.  
Light walked up to the register to make his order.  
Footsteps approached when he waited for his drink.  
“Avoiding another party, Yagami?” A male voice said with amusement.  
Light immediately recognised that voice, he smiled to himself. “You know me too well, Jeevas!” Light turned slightly in the direction of Mail’s voice. Matt laughed, “Come sit with us, the rest of the café is packed.” He offered. The redhead patted Light on the shoulder.  
“Us?” Light raised an eyebrow.  
“Yeah, I’m here with a totally hot dude!” Matt replied softly.  
Light chuckled and got his coffee from a waitress, he turned around and nodded at Matt, “Alright then, but you have to describe what he looks like okay.”  
“Oh, he is blond and has like these amazing blue eyes.” Matt sighed, “And he wears leather and shit. He is fucking sexy, Light. I wish you could see…”  
“Mmh sounds absolutely gorgeous.” Light murmured playfully. 

They reached the table and Matt guided Light into the booth. He could almost feel the eyes of the blonde on him when he sat down. Light sighed when he sat and looked in the direction he thought Matt’s date was.  
“Hey, I’m Mello.” The new voice said.  
Matt chuckled, “He isn’t going to take your hand Mells, he can’t see.” He said bluntly.  
Light looked down while Mello murmured an apology.  
“It’s alright. I’m Light by the way.” Light smiled. He held a hand out for Mello to take, which he did reluctantly.  
The teen leaned back and took a sip of his coffee, Light heard the soft sound of a kiss and rolled his eyes. _Oh Jeevas…_  
“Actually Matt, I was on my way to the park.” Light explained. “So, if you don’t mind…”  
“Oh? Well, Have fun then!” Matt said, a little disappointed.  
Light thanked him and slid out of the booth, drink in one hand, cane in the other, on his way to the park.

 

The park was quiet, not many people were there anymore. Light knew it was probably already dark and most people had gone home. He stood still for a moment and sighed, listening to the sounds of the park. There were footsteps in the distance but Light ignored them. There was the sound of crickets and birds and the rustling of leaves and the rhythmic meandering of water. Light smiled happily and started tapping his cane to the ground again, looking for a bench.

It wasn’t until Light had moved about 80 feet that he heard the footsteps again, this time coming straight at him. It were the exact same feet walking over the pavement as the ones he had heard before. They maintained a steady pace and had this click to them like untied shoelaces hitting the ground. Light quietly started to panic as the steps kept approaching and didn’t turn away from their path.

When the person was close enough for Light to hear the slight sound of moving fabric, he stopped abruptly. Light turned his head to the ground, worried that he had somehow managed to look the person straight in the eye without realising. The teen was sure that he’d managed to insult the individual.  
He could hear the person's somewhat raged breath now, but he had no idea what was going on. He turned his ear towards the person to listen.  
Nothing. 

“Hello?…” Light asked hesitantly. He ran his free hand through his hair, as he so often did when he was nervous.  
“Hey.” The person replied in a deep purring voice. Light hadn’t heard anything like it and a shudder went down his spine.  
Light gave the other man an innocent look, the general direction the man’s voice came from at least. “I couldn’t help but notice that you stopped in your tracks, am I bothering you?” Light asked, his voice slightly off.  
The man let out a laugh, “Oh no, I was just looking at my phone, I’m sorry if I scared you.” He replied, his voice friendly.  
“Oh…” The brunet sighed again. “Could you maybe tell me what time it is?” he asked turning his head back to the pavement, embarrassed.  
“Yeah, It’s 21:43.” The man murmured. Light had been gone for about an hour now.  
“Thank you.” Light replied and started walking away from the man.

“Wait! I’m sorry, but are you going to walk home alone?” The footsteps approached Light again.  
Light turned slightly and raised an eyebrow. “Yeah, I am actually.” He replied confused. The student had completely forgotten about his plans to go sit down and think for a while.  
He waited for the other to say something, standing completely still and listening to the rustling of the man's clothes. Seconds silently passed as the man seemed to think.

“Let me walk with you.” The man purred softly.  
Light scoffed. “No thank you, I can take care of myself. I know the way home.” He turned again, planning on walking away. No, he didn’t think very highly of himself, but he did think he was capable of walking home.

_What does this guy want? Should I be scared? He sounds friendly though._

The man let out a huff of laughter, “I believe you, but you never know what could be out there.” He spoke. Light heard his breath and thought about how long it had been since he actually listened to another person, heard the sounds they made.  
“You might be ‘what is out there’, for all I know.” Light narrowed his eyes figuratively. “You could just walk me to your creepy white van and kidnap me to your house.” The young male murmured, his voice unsteady as words formed.  
“You have a point.” The man said, an edge of amusement in his voice. “But I am actually a detective, three people were killed in this park, at this time, over the past three days. It’s not very safe out here.” He explained. There was a rustling sound while he did so.  
The next moment there were bony fingers around Light’s wrist and a police badge was laid into his hand. Light startled from the unexpected contact. Pulling slightly away, before his fingers enclosed the badge.  
The brunet recognised the badge, It was the same one his father had. The same weight, the same leather, it had the same curves and carvings in the metal.  
“In the unlikely event that the killer strikes again this park isn’t safe.” The man explained softly.  
“Alright, I believe you.” Light nodded, “but I’m leading.”  
Light could easily imagine the corner of the other man’s mouth twitch up, “Too bad, I really wanted to get you into my creepy white van.” He spoke delightfully.  
“You better be smiling right now.” Light murmured.  
The man chuckled, “Oh no, I was absolutely serious…”

Light let out a huff of annoyance and started walking in the direction of his home, tapping his cane to the pavement a little softer so he could hear the man move behind him. The footsteps followed him. He didn’t really despise it that someone was walking with him, in fact he found it kind of exiting to meet a new person.  
“My name is L by the way…” The man said when he caught up with Light.  
Light frowned, “L? Like the letter?” he asked.  
“Exactly.” L hummed.  
“I’m Light.” The brunet said, “Yagami.”  
“Son of deputy director Soichiro Yagami?” L asked, a hint of surprise in his voice.  
“Mmh, You sound surprised.” Light replied.  
L sighed, “Chief Yagami is always bragging about how amazing you are. I guess I just didn’t expect you to be blind…” He replied bluntly.  
“Yeah, my parents like to keep that a secret.” The brunet bit. His hand clenched into a fist, he hated it when his parents did that. _I’m sorry that I’m not perfect mom and dad…_ But there was also the desire to be perfect so his parents would love him more.  
“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to upset you.” L almost whispered, his voice very soft as if he felt guilty.  
“It’s not your fault. My parents always do that.” Light shrugged. “It’s like those achievements don’t matter anymore when people find out that I’m blind, so they keep it hidden.”

“I think your achievements are still pretty amazing.” L mumbled barely audible.  
A blush crept over Light’s face and he prayed to god that L wasn’t able to see it, but a simple little chuckle told him he’d definitely seen it.  
There was a comfortable silence between them for a while and a soft pink colour had settled on Light’s cheeks. He liked L, he was different.

“Can I ask you something L?” Light said finally after almost 15 minutes of silence, “two things actually.”  
“You just did, but yes of course.” L replied.  
“Well firstly, would you maybe keep this a secret from my dad? It’s my mom’s birthday and I’m supposed to hang out with some girls at her party, but I kind of snuck out…” Light explained feeling a little guilty. “Secondly, could you maybe tell me what you look like?” the brunet looked at his feet nervously.  
L stopped, he definitely didn’t expect that last question. He stuttered a soft “Uhm…”  
“Only if you want to of course…” Light noticed his discomfort.  
“Well, to address your first point, I won’t tell anyone.” L spoke, “and your second point…” The same bony fingers curled around Light’s wrist again and L brought the brunet's hand to his cheek slowly. 

Light’s fingers touched L’s cheek so softly that it could have been the mere wind. The brunet's warm fingers were like a ghost on cold skin, moving with an uncertainty that L had never expected from the boy. The man looked into the beautiful brown, slightly dilated eyes of the student in front of him. Light started to trace his jawline, gently pressing his fingers to the skin there. He trailed over the man’s chin and back up to his cheekbones, following it until he bumped against his nose and up to his eyes. He felt the soft strands of hair in front of L’s face and his lashes, the roundness of his eyes and the tired skin underneath them. 

Light was carefully mapping out every part of L’s face, making a mental note never to forget it.

His fingers tumbled down again, stopping at the curve of his mouth. Light’s own lips were slightly apart, his face a mixture of amazement and hesitation. L smiled and Light could feel the corner of his mouth curling upwards and he let out a breath. He traced L’s lips tenderly, “I like it when you smile.” Light whispered, his face lit up and he blushed again. There was something very intimate about Light’s touches and L didn’t mind it at all, it actually made him smile even more. Not one of his business smiles he offered to almost everyone. No, a real, genuine smile, one that coloured his cheeks pink. Light’s hand was on his neck now, making its way to L’s chest.

Light could feel L’s heartbeat, slow but steady. L chuckled, “Do you do this with everyone you meet?” he asked. Light shoved his shoulder letting out a little huff of annoyance. “Of course not, asshole…” he said, feigning offense.  
Then he gave L an uncertain, innocent look. “You just feel, I don’t know… special.”  
“Half an hour ago you thought I was a creep with a white van.” L pulled his phone out his pocket to check for the time. When his phone was back in his pocket he took Light’s hand again, but now to intertwine his fingers with the brunet’s.  
Light smiled coyly “Maybe we should head to my house.” He said.

It was such a fragile thing, blossoming between them when they least expected it. And if only for a moment they both felt safe. Because perhaps not all fragile things were meant to break.

“So, tell me about this case you are investigating?” Light asked after a short silence, eager to help L using his fairly on point deduction skills.  
L sighed, “I’m not supposed to tell you anything Light, forensic secrecy.” His voice was soft and turned away from the teen. “But…”  
“But?” Light repeated hopefully.  
“Let’s say that the NPA has figured out that profiling isn’t as easy as it seems.” L murmured softly. 

Light’s mind raced thinking about all the little hints L had given. Puzzling and placing the pieces together. _Three people died, over the course of three days._  
“You mentioned that it was unlikely that the killer returned tonight, meaning there is a pattern, the killer has done that before, either in different months or on different locations. Besides that, you wanted to walk me home so the victims were either my age or random ages.” Light spoke, then immediately shut his mouth and turned his face to the ground, embarrassed that he’d let himself go like that.  
L chuckled, “You are even smarter than I anticipated, Light. You are right, the killer killed three people on the 8th, 9th and 10th of each month for 4 months now, but every time they have been in a different city of Japan.” 

L paused before speaking and turned his head to the brunet. “I wanted to walk you home because all the victims were your age.” He sighed. “I was worried about you, even though I knew the killer wouldn’t come back.”  
“Why would he kill me? I’m not of much use.” Light murmured.  
L narrowed his eyes, “Why do people kill? This killer doesn’t use his victims for anything, Light. So you are in danger, too. I won’t risk it.” 

_Why does this man care? What am I to him?_

“My house is around that corner.” Light murmured when he started to feel familiar patterns and curves. His voice was a mere whisper compared to the humming of the cars and the high pitched twittering of the pigeons. The tapping of Light’s cane seemed to fade away on the sandy path. Light rounded the corner into a small, dark alley. They approached the back door and a lamp lit up, allowing L to see Light’s elegant features. Light turned around, giving L a shy smile.

The student was blushing, he hadn’t felt so nervous in a long time. But then again, he hadn’t met any new people in a while. “I am grateful you’re not a creep with a white van. Thank you for walking me home.”

“You are very welcome.” L’s voice was full of a strange approval, satisfaction even. L’s tenderness and subtle affection were so foreign to Light that he startled and tended to back away from the detective. He wanted to push L away. Tell him he was fine on his own, but he also wanted to hold him close. Treasure that someone didn’t care about his achievements and liked him for who he was. The blind teen that was insecure and fragile, ruined by the pressure his parents put on him to be the best.

Light took a deep breath and ran a hand through his hair. He heard the concern in L’s voice. “Are you okay, Light?”

“Yeah, I’m sorry.” Light cursed himself mentally. He always messed up, if only he wasn’t such a disappointment, maybe he could actually find friends. The teen sighed again. “I think I am going inside…” he murmured. “Will you be fine going home alone?”

“Mmh yeah, I’ll be fine. No one will approach me.” L spoke. Light seemed to relax when he noticed L somehow forgave him.  
“And why is that?” Light asked curiously.  
“Well Yagami, three reasons.” L sounded amused. “I am an adult, I am not blind.” He mocked Light with a chuckle.  
“Ha of course…” Light laughed. “And your third reason?”  
“I am not attractive, You on the other hand are gorgeous. That’s the difference.” L spoke in a derisive tone.

Light blushed again. _I am gorgeous?_ he thought in disbelieve. Then the words sunk. “I don’t think you are hideous.” The student mumbled. There was a cheeky twinkle in his eyes, “But I’m in no position to judge since I have only ‘seen’ you once.”  
A chuckle left L’s lips, he was amused with Light’s sudden sassy behaviour. “You are saying?” the detective replied.  
“It may require many more tests until I can tell you what I really think.” The teen smiled, seemingly pleased with his bold move.

“That can be arranged.” L whispered and took both of Light’s hands and brought them back up to his face. The brunet’s smile was like sunshine, brightening up the alley. His mischievous little plan had worked.  
Light travelled his hands over the soft skin with such care and tenderness. He mapped out every bump and curve cautiously, trying to remember everything. Like L was a map and if he forgot every spot on the map he would lose the game. The teen hated losing.

“You are adorable when you do that.” L said.

“Do what?” the brunet raised an eyebrow, stilling his hands. 

“Trying to make a mental map of my face, Like I am a vital piece in your puzzle that you need to remember.” The older man purred softly. Light blinked and turned his head away, realising that L knew him better than his actual parents did.  
Light pulled his fingers away and smiled coyly. “I should go inside.” He said and stepped back, finding his cane that stood against the wall. “When will I see you again?”  
L slipped a piece of paper in the brunet’s hand. “Soon, hopefully.” The detective whispered before starting to walk away briskly.

“Wait! L! I am blind, I can’t read this!” Light raised his voice and waved with the piece of paper. He heard L chuckle in the distance.  
“You are a smart guy. You’ll figure something out.” L replied.

Light sighed and pulled the backdoor open. His legs carried him inside, while Light was lost in thought. He carefully closed the door behind him and turned to lean against it with a sigh. He smiled, closing his eyes and biting his lip unconsciously.  
Once he was inside, the living room door opened and footsteps that where unmistakably Sayu’s approached. Light pulled himself together and stood upright.  
“You’re home! God I was worried, Light. You’re never late.” She spoke softly.  
“Yeah, well. What can I say…” he smiled, thinking of L. “something, or rather someone, got in the way.”  
There was a happy little gasp and Sayu flew Light around the neck. “Oh my god, Light! Are you seeing someone!?” the girl squeaked.  
“Shh, Sayu, mom and dad can’t know.” The teen hushed his younger sister. He pushed her off of him.  
“Right! I’m sorry.” Sayu apologized, “So tell me brother, What’s the lucky guy’s name?”  
Light raised an eyebrow. “Why do you think it’s a guy?” he spoke with a displeased tone.  
“Oh come out of the closet Light! I know you’re into men, I’ve known you my whole life, you can’t fool me.” Sayu replied with a knowing tone.

Light smiled again and pulled the piece of paper L had given him out of his pocket. He gave it to his little sister. “His name is L, he gave me this. I can’t read it so could you maybe?”  
Sayu took the note and there was the soft sound of paper being unfolded. Light gave her a hopeful look that was soon replaced with slightly anxious curiosity when Sayu sighed almost inaudible. “I’m sorry Light, It’s just numbers and comma’s.” The girl whispered.  
The teen’s stomach dropped as disappointment settled. “Are you sure? Isn’t it a phone number or anything else?”  
“No. It’s 6 numbers, it can’t be. I’m really sorry. There is nothing here.” Sayu laid a hand on his arm and sighed again. She handed him the paper and Light angrily shoved it back into his pocket.  
The living room door opened and Sachiko called “Light, is that you?” In an angry tone.  
“Oh shit.” Sayu whispered, as Sachiko came towards them.  
“Where the hell have you been, Light? I was worried sick about you.” Sachiko shouted, she stopped right before him and Light took a cautious step back.  
the brunet ran a hand through his hair “I’m sorry, I lost track of time.”  
“Why were you outside anyway? You always do this, it can’t go on like this, Light!” Sachiko said, stamping her foot.  
A voice yelled “Is Light home?” Followed by footsteps coming down the stairs.  
Light took another few steps back, a sinking feeling in his stomach at the sound of his father’s angry voice. _Oh god._  
“How could you do this, Light? We always say such nice things about you, we’ve taken good care of you for all these years and this is how you repay us?” Soichiro sounded like he could explode any second.  
Light tightened his grip on his cane, holding back tears.  
“You’re such a disappointment Light, you ruined my life!” Sachiko yelled furiously, slapping him across the face.  
Sayu gasped and Light raised his hand to his face, his cheek stinging where Sachiko had hit him.  
Light turned around and ripped the backdoor open, tears streaming over his cheeks as he started to run.  
“No, Light, wait I didn’t mean t-” The rest of Sachiko’s sentence was lost as Light rounded the corner.  
The whole situation made Light distressed, scared and angry. He was running, to stop the emotions, to stop everything.

... _“Light! Soichiro, look, he’s awake.” His mother’s voice was the first he heard when he woke up, aching all over his body. Light opened his eyes. “Mom?”_  
“How are you feeling Light?” Soichiro asked. Light rubbed his eyes. “Dad? Why can’t I see?  
“What do you mean you can’t see?” Soichiro said, fear in his voice. Light’s mother brushed a hand over his eyelids. The boy heard footsteps and a door opened. “We need a doctor in here! Somebody please help my son!” Light’s father called.  
Two pairs of footsteps hurried inside the room. “What’s going on?” A voice asked. ... 

Light had no idea where he was, but he kept running, his cane tapping rapidly against the pavement, breaking the silence. Despite his efforts to keep track of where he was running to, he lost his way.

... _“I’m sorry to inform you that Light won’t be capable of seeing ever again.” The doctor said. Sachiko started crying. Light felt his whole world collapsing, everything he loved doing required sight, and he had lost his. _“How could this have happened?_ _He only fell, is there nothing you can do? He is only 12, he’s got his whole live ahead of him!” Soichiro yelled._ _That was the moment Light new he was a disappointment._ _He knew it was his fault his classmate pushed him out of the tree, he knew it was his fault that he landed badly, he knew he had made his parents sad._ _“There is nothing we can do for you, sir. I’m sorry.” The doctor said and left the room._ ... _

Light felt the same distress he had felt 5 years ago. He wanted to stop and scream for help, screaming his lungs out and hoping that someone, anyone would help him, tell him everything was alright and bring him back home. But he couldn’t. He just ran. Ran, ran until his legs hurt and his lungs felt like they would fall out of his chest. And then he stopped, gasping for air, aware that he was in the middle of the road, aware of the squeaking tires and the honking of a car driving towards him. In that moment all the pieces fell together, Light knew that he wasn’t wanted and that his family would be better off without him. He decided to stay still, waiting for the crash that would end it all. It happened all so fast, the collision of the car against his body, the contact between the asphalt and his back, the unbearable pain, and then, the silence. 

_Silence._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I tried to make the flashbacks clear with _text_ but something went wrong, I'm sorry


	2. bloody bandages

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you so much for all the love and support on the last chapter, Ilysm <3

Light drifted on the edge of consciousness. His body aching and severe pains going through his head like bolts of electricity. Light remembered nothing. He tried to move but couldn’t. The brunet panicked. He knew he was laying and guessing from the bleeping sounds around him he was in a hospital, but how? How did he end up in a hospital and why couldn’t he move?  
“How about a passport or something, a phone maybe.” The soft voice of a male found Light’s ears.  
“No, there was only a note in his pocket. It says nothing but numbers…” A second female voice followed.

What? A note? L’s note? Light heard the bleeping of the heart monitor go faster by the thought of L. Light calmed a bit and slipped back into the dreamless state he had been in minutes ago.

“Coordinates? Why would someone carry coordinates?” The female voice asked softly, the second time Light found his consciousness. The words echoed through his head for a while, the brunet was unaware what the words meant.  
“Mmm, maybe someone lives on this location, someone we can contact…” The male’s voice sounded oddly far away.

L left me coordinates… Of course he left me coordinates. He figured I would be smart enough to solve that. Turns out I wasn’t… now he too will find out that I’m a disappointment. Light’s head was racing, going at top speed through his thoughts in case he would lose consciousness again.

The teen didn’t lose his awareness that time. He fought to stay awake and listen to what was happening. He had no realisation of time. Although his last memory told him it had to be past midnight. He remembered little from what happened. Light remembered he was scared and he remembered the sound of his cane against the pavement being disturbed by something. But what that sound was he couldn’t recall.

His head hurt again and Light realised that he must have had some kind of painkillers when he was passed out and that the pain was slowly returning now. He felt the stinging coldness of the fluent running through the IV into his veins. He was aware that his hand felt sore, as if someone pierced the skin with a needle but missed its target and placed to IV next to the veins. It wouldn’t have been the first time that happened.  
Moments later he heard soft footsteps come in. the person walked around the bed, they were likely a female. Light could imagine it. A short brown haired woman with a pony tail and friendly eyes.  
To Light’s surprise he felt a warm hand on his arm. “Hey sweetie, hold on a little longer, okay. We’re doing all we can to keep you alive.” The nurse murmured softly. She petted his arm gently and moved away.

Keep me alive, how critical is my condition? Am I comatose or are they keeping me in a coma on purpose? Light panicked again and his pulse rose.

“Katherine, the OR on the second floor is free. Bring him in.” A male voice suddenly spoke. Light heard footsteps nearing the bed. “Rue Ryuzaki identified him as Light Yagami by the way.” The voice murmured.

OR? Rue Ryuzaki? What’s going on? Light started to panic again. He had no idea who this Ryuzaki person was. Or could it be… L?

“Mmm alright. Light, honey, we are moving you to an operating room.” The woman said and brushed some hair out of the brunet’s face.  
“Kat… why are you talking to the boy? He’s comatose.” The man spoke when he started pulling the bed.  
“Medically induced coma. It’s possible he can hear us. Wouldn’t you like to know what people do to you, especially when you can’t move or talk yourself?” Katherine sighed.

A medically induced coma… that means there is still hope I make it out alive Light tried to rationalize. Stop panicking and stay calm. He would probably wake up after the surgery and if he was correct L would be there…

The bed came to a stop and the teen could hear multiple voices around him. He was too drugged to make out what all the voices where saying. Light’s skin suddenly turned cold and the drop in temperature was everything but pleasant.  
“Let’s move him to the operation table.” Light could hear from right behind him. Then multiple hands grabbed his body and the brunet floated in air for a second, then his skin hit the cold plastic surface of the table.

A cuff was tightly strapped around Light’s upper arm and an oximeter was set on one of his fingers. Several electrodes where placed on his chest and back. Whatever he had been wearing was pulled away and a blanket was pulled over his body.

The brunet felt a warm hand on his arm the moment his hand started stinging like crazy. “We’re putting you under honey, I’m going to make sure you’ll be fine, okay?” Kat whispered into Light’s ear, softly caressing his arm with her thumb. The anaesthesia started kicking in and the teen felt his lungs burn, it was suffocating and dizzying. He heard the nurse’s voice far away. “You are doing so well sweetie…” At that moment Light believed he was going to die. And then everything went silent again.

 

…

 

When Light woke up he immediately tried to move his limbs. A sigh escaped his lips as he was able to move again. He opened his eyes, like he always did when he woke up. The teen moved his right hand a bit and noticed that it was still sore, the IV stinging his veins. Then Light carefully moved his left hand, feeling instantly better that he had control of his body back

Before Light had a chance to question anything, footsteps approached and Light turned his head to the sound. “Hey Light, you’ve been out for quite a while. How are you feeling, love?” Katherine asked as she lifted Light’s hand, checking the IV.  
It took Light a few seconds to find his voice. “My head… hurts.” He groaned.  
“Well that’s understandable, you just had surgery. We removed several shards of glass and metal from your head.” The nurse spoke, her tone still really careful as if Light was ready to break.

“Oh…” Light let out a soft sigh again. The realisation had not settled yet and Light didn’t really know what to do with the information. “I can’t remember what happened.” Light mumbled softly.  
Katherine let out a strangled laugh. “You were hit by a car sweetheart, the driver was speeding and you happened to walk where he was driving.” There was some kind of despair in her voice as she once again laid a hand on Light’s arm.

Light slowly regained his memories of the crash, his attempt to end it all. “It was my fault… I didn’t move out of the way.” The teen murmured, his tone painfully sad, looking down. He heard Kat sigh deeply as she pulled her hand back, contemplating the words Light had spoken. “Maybe, but you weren’t the one speeding, honey.”

“Anyway, unfortunately we haven’t been able to contact your parents yet. But there is someone else who would really like to see you.” Kat explained while walking to the end of the bed where the solution bag should be hanging. The kindness in her voice was back and Light relaxed a bit. He didn’t really mind that his parents were unreachable, in fact he wanted everything but to hear the disappointment dripping of his father’s voice.

Kat walked away, to fetch the person waiting for Light. The brunet lifted his left hand and brought it up to his head. Carefully running his hand through his hair. His fingers touched soft bandages on the right side of his head, there were 3 places that were now covered in white plasters and dried streaks of blood. He couldn’t touch his head too much because the wound underneath the bandage was still sensitive. Light swallowed again. The realisation that he just had surgery settling slowly.

The teen immediately recognised the footsteps when they came closer to the bed, they maintained a steady pace and had this click to them like untied laces hitting the ground.  
“Here you are.” The nurse said and Light could almost hear her smile. The teen turned his face to the second person, as Kat walked off.  
“Hey Light…” A voice purred softly, he sat down on a chair next to the bed. “How are you feeling?” the question was soft but genuine, the teen wasn’t used to genuine questions that weren’t about school.  
“Tired.” Light murmured.  
The raven sighed. “What happened?” He asked carefully, almost hesitant.  
“I jumped in front of a car.” He replied, holding back tears.  
L sighed and opened his mouth as if he wanted to say something, but Light interrupted him.  
“You should try to call my sister Sayu, she always has her phone turned on.” He said, wiping his eyes.  
The detective took a breath and pulled his phone out of his pocket. “Right, what is her number?”  
Light recited the numbers one by one and L dialled Sayu. Slowly taking a breath as he put the phone to his ear.  
Sayu picked up on the first ring, “Hello?” She shouted, worry in her tone.  
L took another breath and talked calmly to the girl. “Hello Sayu, I’m with your brother in the hospital, could y-” he was cut off mid-sentence by Sayu yelling into the phone  
“Wait what? We’ve been looking everywhere for him, is he okay?” She said, concern tingeing her voice.  
“Debatable, but he’s alive.” L murmured.  
“Let me talk to Sayu.” Light whispered, hand reaching up to where he thought the phone was.  
L paused and handed him the phone. The teen’s fingers curled around the device and he brought it to his ear.  
“Sayu..?” The brunet asked softly.  
“Light? Oh my god what happened?” the girls voice sounded like it was about to shatter. She must have been scared and worried.  
“Can you please just tell mom and dad I’m in the hospital.” Light asked suddenly feeling exhausted.  
“You have to tell me what happened first.” Sayu insisted.  
“Sayu please, I really don’t want to talk about it right now. Just tell them I was in an accident, okay?” Light sighed, closing his eyes and pinching the bridge of his nose.  
“..Very well then. I’ll call dad.” She let out a huff of annoyance. “Bye Light, we’ll be there in a bit. Hang on okay?  
“Thanks Sayu, I will.” Light hung up and gave L his phone back.

When their fingers met Light shuddered incoherently. The man put his phone away and Light turned his face towards him. “Do you really think I am not a disappointment?” he asked furrowing his brow.  
There was a short silence before L answered. “What would I gain from lying to you, Light? I know how your head works, if I thought you were a disappointment I would’ve said nothing and just let you believe I think you are. You just assume that people think that of you so why make you think any different if I wanted you to feel that way?” L answered his voice soft but stern.  
Light turned away and nodded. “My trust. My friendship. My curiosity. My… love.” He mumbled softly. “That is what you could gain from lying to me.”  
“No, you are too smart to be lied to. That wouldn’t work. If I wanted to gain any of those I would go for a different approach.” L considered, he took Light’s hand and the teen startled. The man leaned a bit closer to his ear “besides, I believe I already have one of those…” He whispered. Light shuttered again, feeling a wave of shyness overcome him.

Suddenly the nurse came back. “I found your dossier, Light!” She said and L pulled his hand away. “I’m going to bring you to a room so you can eat something and rest.”  
“Yeah that would be great.” Light mumbled as a small sigh escaped his lips and a blush crept over his face.  
“Let’s see. Can you repeat your name and date of birth?” Kat asked tapping what sounded like a pen to a clipboard.  
“Light, with the character for moon, Yagami. My birthdate is the 28th of February 1999.” The teen spoke, a tired edge to his voice. All Light really wanted to do at that moment was sleep. Forget everything that happened and pretend everything was fine.  
Katherine took a step closer to the bed and patted Light’s leg softly, before walking to something next to the bed. She started typing and Light could hear the ‘access granted’ tone of a windows computer. “Since you are 17, Light, I unfortunately have to bring you to the children’s ward, but I am sure they will take very good care of you there. I’ll call to let them know we are coming.” The nurse explained, a hint of sadness in her voice that Light couldn’t place. 

Kat walked away again, leaving L and Light in silence. “Why are you here Light?” L asked, his voice sharp.  
Light gave him a surprised look, “I don’t understand? I jumped in front of a car, you know…” his voice trailed off.  
“I mean, you wanted to end your life for a reason, what was that reason?” the older man questioned. “What drove someone like you to these kind of drastic decisions?”

The student turned his face away and grimaced. There was a side of him that wanted to tell L that he felt like nobody cared about him, that all he did was waste everyone’s efforts and time, but a much louder voice in his head shouted that it was none of his business. “I- I don’t know. Why do you want to know so badly?” Light clenched his fist and immediately regretted his decision as the stinging feeling in his hand got worse.  
L was silent, pondering the question. Light held his breath as the man’s fingers touched his arm carefully. “Because I want to help you.” The words where so fragile and strong at the same time. “I care about you.”

When Light didn’t respond L let go of his arm and stood up. Turning his back towards the teen. “The way you bring yourself down, The way you degrade yourself into smallness. It’s not just lack of confidence or an inferiority complex. A person doesn’t learn to hate himself like you do. It’s not healthy.” The man scoffed to himself. “Maybe coming here was a mistake.”  
Light’s stomach dropped and his eyes widened, face turning towards L. his breath caught. He couldn’t speak, only shake his head in pure disbelieve.

L started walking away. The brunet opened his mouth to speak but forgot the words. Just before the footsteps were about to disappear L turned his head and spoke. “I guess I am not the right person to help you. I hope you get well, Light. I sincerely do.”  
The teen took a breath, with a voice dancing on the edge of breaking, he whispered just hard enough for L to hear, “Stay, please, I have no one else.”


	3. Lost memories

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter is a little late because I was very buzy, I hope you enjoy it!

L took a breath, slowly, inhaling the air and letting it escape between his lips. It was full of tension, pain and sorrow. Light swallowed, his heart pounding loudly in his chest.  
The teen couldn’t scream, couldn’t cry. He’d lost his breath and his lungs were on fire. He could only listen and hope that somehow the raven could hear his ear-piercing thoughts. 

The fear of losing L triggered something more intense deep inside him. A new wave of anxiety hit him as he felt loss and abandonment. Not knowing where these sudden emotions came from he pushed them aside to analyze later. 

“Okay.” The raven spoke and turned back to the bed hesitantly making his way back to Light, who took a breath. He lifted his hand towards the sounds that L made and his fingers brushed against a clothed arm. He curled his fingers around L’s wrist and pulled him closer to the bed. Silently making sure L was not going anywhere. 

That same moment Katherine came back, whistling a melody to herself as she approached. Light let go of L and turned his head towards the sound. “I’m going to take you to your room Light.” The nurse spoke and laid her hands on the end of the bed. The teen nodded and he heard the click of the breaks lifting off the ground and the bed started moving. Light closed his eyes, feeling exhausted and upset. He didn’t pay much attention to the directions they were going, or to the people walking around them in the hallways they rolled through. When they held still he realised that ten or fifteen minutes must have gone by. He was in a big hospital, possibly an academic one. 

Everything was so familiar it was almost routine; surgeries, being moved in a bed, nurses, hospitals. Light’s medical journey had started years before that, not long before he got blind. Everything had happened so fast, though. One minute he was diagnosed with an extremely rare condition and the next he was suddenly blind and _incapable_ of ever seeing again. 

“Light, honey? Are you still awake?” the nurse asked, gently brushing some hair out of Lights face. Light opened his eyes and noticed that the noises from the hallway had gotten quieter, meaning that they must have arrived in the room. “Yeah.” Light murmured.  
“I’m going to go back to the recovery room, someone else will come to take care of you in a bit. I hope you recover soon, sweetheart.” Kath patted his hand and turned away.

She had to be the 100th nurse pitying him; the nurses always did, everyone always did. When Light was just released from the hospital, 8 days after going blind, it was the worst. Friends and family came to visit and everyone was asking how he stayed so calm, how he managed to make peace with his blindness. In truth, he just accepted it, knowing that there was really nothing else to do. A small part of him had been angry and upset and reluctant to pick up his life, but a much bigger part of him was ready to move on and learn to live his life being blind. 

“Thank you. For taking care of him.” L’s voice snapped the teen out of his thoughts. Light knew somewhere that he should thank her, but his body seemed to rebel against him and he decided not to.  
“Just doing my job.” the nurse replied before she left the room.

Light listened to L almost inaudibly breathing next to him, finding comfort in the steady inhaling and exhaling of air. He slowly started to doze off a bit, trying his best to stay awake and wait for the individual who was going to care for him now.

The brunet faintly remembered that someone was there when he was in a coma 5 years ago. Someone who breathed softly and hummed silently every once in a while, he hadn’t recognised the voice, or heard it ever since, but the melody she sang had never left him.

“L?” Light whispered, his throat was sore.  
“Yeah?” L replied, curiously.  
Light took a breath, rejecting the question he really wanted to ask, _Do you think my parents will hate me now?_ “What time is it?” he asked.  
L took his phone out of his pocket, “It’s 3:39, you were in the operating room for quite a while. Over two hours actually.”  
“Oh” Light laid down his head and pulled the covers up to his nose.

The door opened and someone walked into the room. The brunet turned his head towards the person when he stood beside the bed. “Hello Light, my name is Teru Mikami, I am going to be taking care of you until half past 7.”  
Light nodded in acknowledgement, “Okay.” _Teru Mikami_ the name sounded too familiar.  
Mikami pulled on something behind him and gave Light a small plastic circle with a cord attached to it. “If you push this button I will come.” The nurse explained and the teen nodded again. “I’m going to give you some painkillers through the IV and then I think it’s best that you go to sleep. Do you have any questions or is there something you’d like at the moment?”  
“Can I lay on my side?” Light asked. A stupid question, but he had wanted to turn since he’d woken up. 

“You can do everything that feels comfortable, nothing can happen to the stitches.” Mikami answered while sitting on the side of the bed and picking up Lights right hand. The sound of a cap being pulled of something and plastic clicking into other plastic filled the room for a few seconds before the nurse spoke again. “I’m going to bring the fluent into your veins now, this may be a little cold.” The teen didn’t know what he did or how but the pain in his hand suddenly became unbearable. He gasped and sat up straight, Mikami stopped abruptly. “S- sorry.” Teru whispered. 

“They must have missed the vein.” he mumbled to himself, “Do you think you have enough energy to let me place a new IV?” The man asked.  
“Do I have a choice?” Light breathed. His head hurt from jumping up so quickly.  
“Not really.” The male said with a sad tone. “I am going to get the supplies.” He stood up and left the room. 

Damn, this was the third time they had missed the vein, Light knew his arm was hard to pierce right and he desperately hoped Mikami wouldn’t miss.  
Light shook his head and laid back down. His body trembled and his breath was fastened. He tried to calm his heartbeat without success and clenched his left fist. Focusing on the heartbeat monitor.  
Unexpectedly L’s hand was on his and Light unclenched his fist. “Are you okay?”  
“I just want to sleep and forget.” Light replied with a grimace of emotions. 

The student remembered long sleepless nights at the hospital. He had cried himself to sleep multiple times hoping someone would come and hold him, cuddle him and whisper softly that everything was okay. And then he had cursed himself for being so weak. Now L was there with him, a person he barely knew, but he was comfortable around him. 

“You can, in a little bit.” L said and carefully intertwined his fingers with the teen’s.  
Light took a deep breath, “You should go home, it’s late and I am keeping you from sleeping.”  
L hummed. “I barely sleep anyway, and I want to be here for you, at least until your parents are here.” His tone was soft and reassuring. 

The door opened again and 10 minutes later Light had a new IV in his hand and was laying on his side waiting for the pain to go down and the sleep to settle. He could vaguely hear his parents come in not much later. Sayu wasn’t with them. L told Soichiro that Light was sleeping and the boy was extremely grateful that L didn’t tell them anything else. He overheard a brief conversation about work and taking the day off, before falling into a deep sleep.

Light always had the same dream after surgery; his parents yelling at each other, while he lay in a puddle of his own blood on the floor. He couldn’t make out what his mother was yelling at his father, and started crying. The pain in his chest growing less bearable as he heard his mother scream “You should have left him!”  
The scene changed, he could hear voices outside his small hospital room. As he tried to move he found himself strapped to the bed. He could hear his mother’s voice, strangely further away than the other voice in the room. “What are you doing here!? You don’t have the right!”  
The other’s voice was much closer and much calmer, “I have every right, he is my child…” 

 

Before the dream could end, Light woke up, shooting upright, every time he was covered in sweat, heart pounding rapidly and tears streaming down his face. The dream had become more of a nightmare each time he dreamt it. Footsteps hurried to the bed and soon someone was hugging him tightly, Holding him to his chest and whispering to him. Light took a deep breath and nuzzled his face in the crook of L’s neck.


	4. Concerned Hugs

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please read the notes at the end ^-^

“You’re still here?”, Light spoke, as L slowly ran his hand up and down Light’s lower back.   
“And you were having a nightmare, are you alright?”, the man replied.   
The brunet sighed and wrapped his arms around L’s torso. “I am now.”, he murmured.

L was still there, he was still with him. Even though he probably had places to be, things to attend, people to meet. L was still by his side, holding him close to his chest after that nightmare, nonetheless. 

Light took another breath, taking in the sweet scent of chocolate that clung to L’s skin. His cheeks flushed as an unfamiliar sensation enveloped him. He tightened his hold and L hummed softly, “Are you sure you are fine?”  
“I… I just want to hold on a little bit longer.”, the brunet whispered, pressing his nose to L’s neck. He wasn’t used to being hugged, no one had held him in a long time.   
The raven shifted, a bit uncomfortable, and replied with a quick, “Okay.” 

“What was your dream about?”, the man asked softly, after they’d sat in silence for a while. He pulled away carefully, taking Light’s flushed face in his hands. The teen suddenly became aware of the tears still steadily rolling over his cheeks.   
Light crumbled, having bottled up all of his feelings for years, he finally threw them out. “People… I hear people scream. My mother is yelling at my father, saying something like ‘You should’ve left him!’ And the blood… God, there was so much blood.”, the brunet’s voice broke, “Then there was this voice, one that I don’t know. She tells my mom that she has every right to be there, because he is her son. I don’t know who it is about though.” 

The teen brought his hands up, a little uncertain. “Why are you so quiet? I can’t see your face…”, he said, as the tips of his fingers brushed the raven’s skin. Light wanted to know what L was thinking, what his face looked like and which expressions had been displayed on it in the past couple minutes.   
“I was trying to analyse your dream. I’m sorry, it’s a habit.”, L replied as the boy ran his fingers up to L’s eyebrow, feeling the slight crease in them. The raven cocked his head slightly, wiping Light’s tears away with his thumb. Light leaned in to the caress before reluctantly backing off a bit. 

“Where are my parents?”, the brunet realised only now that they appeared to be alone.   
“They left at 6, after talking to the doctor. Your father said he would be back in the late morning.”, L replied, his hands falling away from Light’s face.   
His parents were already gone, of course they were. It’s not like they don’t have anything better to do besides being in a hospital room with their son. _Again._  
The teen dropped his head and closed his eyes. Soft fingers lifted his chin, “I didn’t want to leave you alone without saying anything.”, L spoke, “But…”  
Light sighed, “But you have to go now…”   
L let out a small huff of sadness. “Yes, I am sorry Light. I wish I could stay-”, Light cut him off, “Thanks… for being here with me.”, he reached out and laid his hand on the man’s shoulder. 

“It’s was really no problem.”, L said and pulled Light in for another short hug. “I left my phone number in your phone, Sayu left it behind for you.”, the raven whispered before releasing Light and standing up.   
“Will you come back?”, the teen asked, searching for the red alarm button that would summon Mikami so he could ask for some water. L noticed him looking and handed him the cable.   
“I will do my best.”, he said.   
“Don’t come if you don’t want to.” 

“Light, I’ve been in the hospital with you for over 6 hours. If I didn’t want to be here I would have left after I identified you.”, L spoke with a clear voice, making sure Light heard every word.   
“Okay.”, Light’s voice trembled, “Well, until then… I guess.”   
“Sleep now, I’ll let you know what time I’ll be back.” L said walking to the door, “See you soon Light.”   
“Yeah…”, the teen nodded and fell back into the pillows of his bed. 

The door opened and closed and Light couldn’t deny the warm feeling in his chest. Although he was sad and in pain there was a little spark of hope inside him, one that he had missed for the last couple of years. He pulled the covers up to his chest and nuzzled his face in the pillow as a small smile brightened up his tear-stained face. He allowed himself to just let go for once, and steadily he fell into a dreamless sleep. 

_

 _L…_   
The raven had been the only thing on Light’s mind when he woke up, when Mikami came for check-ups, when a new nurse was assigned to him, when they served him breakfast. The only thing he could think of was this mysterious man that he knew absolutely nothing about. Who was a gorgeous being in his mind, but whose face he didn’t actually know. The person who had stayed with him when his parents had left and who had calmed him after the usual nightmares. 

But most of all, he had wondered why L liked him. Why L had been there with him. He had wondered what went through L’s mind when they met and what made him so special that he had come to the hospital in the middle of the night. Somewhere deep inside, the brunet liked to believe that they had a connection, that they were meant to be together. 

Those thoughts where quickly replaced with the thought of his parents disapproving of any kind of relationship between the two of them, and the general homophobia in Japan. Not that Light was so sure that he was in love with L. He had feelings for him, sure, but he wasn’t really able to place them.

This made him question Love.   
_What is Love?_   
He knew there were different kinds of love. Unconditional love, like a parents love. Or love that only stays for a while and then leaves, like a passion that fades away over years of forgetting to pick up the instrument or brush.   
And the kind of love that makes you forget to eat and makes you stutter, the kind that makes you want to stare at someone forever and learn how every fiber of their being is connected to the others. This love grows slowly and then hits at full force. 

True love to Light was Sayu. He would give everything for his little sister. For years he had felt like she was the only one who understood him and cared about him. 

“Light?”, the voice of the new nurse pulled the brunet back to reality. “I have your painkillers here.”, she said as she walked up to him. When she first arrived she had told him her name, but Light hadn’t been paying attention, and had forgotten it instantly.   
“Mikami told me he had to replace the IV yesterday, you are very unfortunate.”, _small talk._ Of course she wanted to make conversation, the nurses always did.   
Light hummed vaguely in response and turned his head away, while the nurse picked up his hand from where it had been laying on the bed. Light’s other arm was wrapped around his knees as he sat against the pillows, tightly hugging his legs to his chest.   
This time Light didn’t feel any pain as the liquid entered his veins. Only the familiar tickle that he knew all too well.

“I read that you are a regular here, you have IIH right?”, the nurse asked while working on the cap of the IV.   
“Yeah.”, Light replied, absently. 

The doctors had told him that IIH was nothing to be scared about, that it would not damage anything if they treated him. As soon as Light had gotten access to a computer he had looked it up. IIH was an incredibly rare condition, where the fluent in the brain wasn’t regulated correctly, this created an overwhelming pressure in the head that would at first make you nauseas. It could, if not treated, eventually take away the vision.   
Light had been brought to the hospital with severe headaches and nausea, telling the doctors that there where spots in his vision. 

“You’ve been through a lot, you are strong. You had 5 lumbar punctures, which must have been horrible.”   
Light sighed, remembering the punctures all too well. The punctures went into the spine and could potentially touch other nerves, something that was incredibly painful. The doctors had promised him that if they did it right Light wouldn’t have to come back to the hospital again. 5 times they had tried to reduce the pressure on his head by taking away some of the brain fluent…   
In an attempt to safe his vision they eventually decided that surgery would be the better option. They placed a drain. A little plastic tube that, like its name suggests, drains out the brain fluent to a place where it could safely exit the body. 

“If they had been useful it would’ve been a lot better.”, Light said a little agonized.   
The nurse was quiet as she began to clean up. 

The surgery took place after Light had already lost 60% of his vision. The neurosurgeon had explained that if he was lucky he would regain his vision after surgery. So the boy went into surgery with high hopes.   
The surgery was successful and Light was released from the hospital a few days after.   
A week later a classmate asked him to come play outside. And with the greatest care Light had climbed a tree, only to be pushed out of it by that same classmate. He landed in a coma and when he woke up he found himself in the dark. The drain had never worked and his vision disappeared in the short time he had been in the coma. 

“I hope you recover quickly, someone your age shouldn’t be going through things like these.”, the nurse spoke before she left. 

Light sighed, he reached out for his phone and switched it on.   
“11:43”, it said as he unlocked it. He slid his fingers over the screen until he heard the voice say; “Notifications, you have one new text.”   
He double tapped to open the notification and waited for the voice to read it, “Text message sent at 11:30, I’ll be there at 2 o’clock. ~L”, the teen’s heart skipped a beat. He hadn’t expected L so early. 

The door opened again and Light half expected the nurse to come back with something stupid she had forgotten, but a different voice found its way to Light’s ears.   
“Hello Light.”, Soichiro said, approaching him.   
Light shot upright startled by his visitor. “Father?”, he hiccupped.   
“How are you feeling?”, the man asked, his voice lacking real concern or interest.   
The brunet huffed and slumped back, _Sad, horrible, scared, disappointed, please hold me and tell me it’s fine._ “Better.”, it’s not like Soichiro really cared anyways.   
“Listen son, I’ll get straight to the point.”, Soichiro took a breath and sat down on the chair next to his bed. “Your mother and I decided that we don’t want you to be alone so much anymore.”   
Light raised his eyebrow, “What do you mean?”   
“I mean that you get yourself into too much trouble, and we don’t want you to do something that we really can’t fix. So…”, his father’s voice trailed off.  
Light’s lips where slightly parted, “So?”   
“We are getting you a babysitter, someone who can look out for you and make sure you are studying enough.”, the man explained. 

Light didn’t know what to think, they took everything from him and now they were taking his freedom too. He could do things on his own, not once had he failed a test or missed an assignment. Light was one of the hardest working students in his grade and the fact that his father didn’t believe in him was downright painful.   
“I spoke to someone this morning who would be willing to guide you.”, Soichiro said.   
Light tried to hide his surprise and curiosity, “Who?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, as you may or may not have noticed I have failed at uploading consistently every week on Friday. So I think that after 3 or more weeks of thinking you guys deserve to know why; I’m not sure if I want to continue writing. I used to write without care and that used to make me happy, but now I only experience really bad anxiety. Since I became better at writing I’ve been feeling really insecure about it, more afraid of being judged or generally not doing okay enough. 
> 
> So I am taking a little break, I may upload again next Friday, but I decided to take it slow and only upload when I feel like it. 
> 
> I’m also looking for my love for writing so if someone finds it please return it to me, thanks.


	5. Troubling Conversations

“A colleague of mine, he was here with you last night.”, it took a second for all the pieces to fall together, but when they did, it came as a shock to Light.   
L.  
L had volunteered to babysit him? Suddenly he felt insulted, L too thought that he needed help and that was the worst of all. The detective willingly accepted to drag Light further down then he already was. 

“Why him?”, were the only words Light could form. Anger turning his cheeks red.   
“Because he said he could teach you some detective skills, isn’t that what you wanted, Light?”, Soichiro asked, his tone displeased.   
Light closed his eyes, _Calm down, you can’t seem ungrateful._ The brunet took a deep breath, turning his head to his father, “It is.”   
“Good.”, Soichiro said sharply. The chair creaked, indicating that his father sat back. “I knew you wouldn’t make a fuss about it.” 

Light turned his head away again and murmured an almost inaudible thanks. He didn’t mean it but he didn’t want to piss of his father either, remembering what happened the last time he had…  
“I had to tell you to get well soon from Matsuda, by the way. “, the man said.  
“Oh, uhm, tell him thanks.”, the teen replied. If Matsuda knew how Soichiro treated his children, he surely wouldn’t look up to Soichiro so much anymore. He didn’t, though and Light wasn’t the one going to tell him. 

The teen decided that he no longer wanted to be under the judgemental gaze of his father and crawled off the bed. “I have to use the toilet.”   
He carefully took hold of the trolley with solution bags for his IV and walked to the on suit toilet, his sweatpants suddenly feeling very sloppy. His father always made sure Light wore blazers and slacks and dress shirts and was very displeased when Light had asked him for a pair of sweatpants.   
Light sat down on the lid of the toilet, running a hand with care through his hair and groaning in pain when his touch shot bolts of pain through his head. After a minute or three he flushed the toilet and washed his hands before heading out again. He found his way back to the bed and sat down on it. 

“Light?”, Soichiro’s voice was filled with an unfamiliar tone.  
“Mmh?” Light hummed in reply when he was settled back into the pillows. His gaze purposely pointed in the wrong direction. The teen knew all too well that his father hated it when Light didn’t at least try to look him in the eye.   
The man sighed, “You must understand that we do this because we want the best for you, Light.”   
Light understood, of course he did. However, that didn’t mean that he agreed to it. In about 5 months he would be an adult and so he didn’t think he needed a babysitter. Yes, sometimes Light made mistakes, but didn’t every human do that?  
“I know.”, Light replied, casting his head slightly down. 

Above all Light didn’t want to fight with his father. He didn’t want to lose the last bit of respect he had left for the man. Soichiro was capable of nasty things when he was angry and Light didn’t want to make a commotion in the hospital.

There was an unpleasant silence in the room when the nurse came walking in. “Oh, am I interrupting?”   
“No, go right ahead.”, Soichiro replied.   
The nurse walked up to the bed and stopped by the rack of solution bags. After checking them all she walked to stand beside Light on the opposite side of the bed his father was on. “How are you feeling, you look very pale, Light.”, the woman asked gently. 

It took him a while to process the nurse’s words. Light shrugged, “Tired, and a little nauseous.”, he replied. Now that she asked he realised the slight dizziness and headache that had been present since his father entered.  
“Maybe you should rest for a while, you just had surgery,” she spoke like Light was not aware of that fact himself. _I know that too, but it’s not like I can go to sleep with my father here._ He barely stopped himself from rolling his eyes, knowing that the nurse meant well. 

“Sir, may I ask you to leave so your son can get some sleep?” The nurse asked kindly.   
The brunet wished she hadn’t asked that, knowing his father. He braced himself for his father’s reaction.  
“What? I can’t even be with my _own_ son!?” Soichiro asked offended.   
“N-no sir that’s not what I meant, it’s just, your son l-looks really tired and I think I’d be better if he rested.” The nurse tried to defend herself.   
_Not again._ Light closed his eyes and sighed in annoyance. _Please stop! _Why couldn’t his dad just leave?__

__“He can rest when I am here!” Soichiro yelled, offended. Light could picture it, his hands in the air, waving furiously.  
“Please c-calm down sir.” The woman tried again, without success. The teen could hear the chair fall back as his father stood up taking a step closer to the bed and nurse. _ _

___Before Soichiro could say anything, Light interrupted. “Please just go.”, his voice incredibly soft and uncertain, head lowered and shoulders pulled up in fright_  
“Excuse me?” His father’s voice was calm, but Light knew that he was angry.   
“Please just leave, it’s not like you care anyway.” Light repeated almost inaudible. His hands were ready to defend himself in case Soichiro would try anything.   
Soichiro sighed angrily and took a step back. “Fine.” He stated and walked to the door. “I’ll be back tomorrow though.” He bit before slamming the door behind him. 

__“I’m sorry about that.” Light mumbled. He relaxed a bit and pulled his knees to his chest again.  
“Don’t apologise, dear. You didn’t do anything wrong,” the woman spoke. “Now try and get some sleep. Call me when you are awake and I’ll bring you lunch.” She gave him a pat on the shoulder and left. _ _

__Light curled up under the covers and swiftly fell asleep, the argument haunting his thoughts until the very last second._ _

_____ _

___Light woke up hearing soft voices in the hallway, it took him a while before he could hear what they were saying.  
“Ryuzaki, you don’t have that much time anymore.” A deep male voice spoke. Light listened closely.   
“I know, I know. It’s just for a while. It’s going to be fine.” That sounded an awful lot like… L, who had called himself Ryuzaki on the phone earlier.   
“You can’t do this to yourself… or him. You know how you can get.” The first voice spoke.  
 _What are they talking about. Is something wrong with L seeing me?__   
“Please let me do this, just one last thing before…” L replied.  
“Okay, just be careful,” the male’s voice sounded again.  
“I will,” footsteps approached the door. “I’ll text you what time you can pick me up, is that okay?” L asked before opening the door.   
“Of course.” The male spoke. 

___Then the door opened and Light kept his breathing steady to hide the fact that he had been eaves dropping the conversation._  
After a few seconds, soft fingers traced his jaw and caressed his cheek softly. Light opened his eyes, he blinked a few times and yawned. The brunet could feel L’s face close to his and his first instinct was to back away. He didn’t, he let L’s fingers roam his skin and hairline.   
“Hey.” L whispered, Light immediately smiled a little, even though he was angry, the tenderness of L’s touch made him fall apart.   
L chuckled softly at the little smile tugging on Light’s lips. “Has someone told you that you are adorable when you wake up?” The raven asked.   
A blush crept over Light’s face. “Not really…” he replied softly. The brunet yawned again and hesitantly put his hand over L’s, that was still resting on his cheek. He intertwined their fingers. 

___The teen sat upright and his soft smile morphed into a frown. His head still ached a bit, but the worst pain was gone._  
L sat on the edge of the bed. “What’s wrong?” The man’s voice was filled with concern.   
Light turned to him, “You agreed to babysit me,” Light replied. It was bothering him and he felt like he could be honest with L.   
“Babysit...? Wait. What?” L asked a little confused, as he shifted a bit uncomfortably on the bed.   
“You agreed to watch over me, so I’m not alone again. Why? I am almost an adult I can take care of myself. I won’t try to kill myself again.” Light rambled, anger boiling inside of him now.   
“Wait, no. that’s not why I said yes to it, Light.” L sounded almost amused and it made Light’s blood boil.   
“What do you mean it’s not, you obviously agreed with my father that I need a babysitter.” The teen bit.   
“Light.” L picked up Light’s hand and caressed the back of it. “I said yes so you wouldn’t have to have a babysitter. I disagree with your father, you are smart and independent. I’ll let you do whatever and maybe you can help me with my cases. I don’t want to take away your freedom, so I agreed to be around you instead of a real babysitter.” L explained.   
Lights eyes widened, “You did?” He asked in disbelieve.   
“Yes.” L let out a little chuckle. “I want to spent more time with you.” 

___Light suddenly hugged L, not caring about the aching in his muscles, wrapping his arms tightly around L’s torso and whispering a soft “thank you!”  
The teen pulled away and the detectives hands lingered on the back of Light’s neck. “You are welcome,” the smile on L’s face was almost audible. L held his breath as his thumb made circles on Light’s cheek. “Please never stop smiling like that,” the man breathed.   
This only made Light blush more._

__Light had forgotten the argument with his father and the conversation L had had with the man, at that moment. For a little while he just forgot everything. He even forgot the pain. L was all that mattered._ _

___After minutes of silence L spoke softly. “Light, I have to ask you something.”_  
“Yeah?”   
“Your father came back to the office quite mad, what happened here?” The man asked.   
Light swallowed, “He was angry because the nurse asked if he could leave. She wanted me to sleep.”   
L was quiet for moment, “Has he… every hit you, or abused you?” He asked squeezing the brunet’s fingers a little.   
Light sucked in a breath. “He… yes.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was in the making anyway so I decided to upload it.  
> If you have any questions or if you just like to make conversation you can hit me up on skype; Meluna01 and I believe that I have Japan as my country ^-^


	6. Blue Crayfish

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> part this chapter is based of an actual event.

The silence between them was deafening and Light had no idea what to say. He hadn’t meant to tell L, he only knew him for a day. Normally he was so secretive and reserved with people but with L he just said whatever came to mind.  
“I am sorry Light, I shouldn’t have asked,” L apologised softly, sensing the brunet’s discomfort.  
Light sighed, happy that L broke the tension, “I don’t know why I told you, we’ve only known each other for a day,” He murmured softly. “Please don’t tell anyone.”  
“You are right, this kind of behaviour is inappropriate for complete strangers,” the detective spoke. 

The teen started shaking a little, anxiety finding its way back into his system. L’s arm fell away from Light’s neck and the hand that had been squeezing Light’s hand was suddenly gone. The teen reached forwards in utter surprise grasping L’s shirt and violently clutching onto the fabric. 

“Light?” the man’s voice sounded so far away and the teen knew that he was going to have a panic attack. Hands landed on his shoulders and shook him a little. “Oh god, Light, please breathe,” the raven held him as the teen slumped against his chest, still shaking aggressively. 

“Please don’t leave,” the brunet managed to whisper. As tears started to roll down onto L’s clothes again. L, who held him, was there for him when Light was at his worst. A horrible pain made him gasp and clench his hands into tight fists.  
During a small moment of clarity, Light could notice the ravens voice whispering to him, soft words fell from his lips in an attempt to calm Light down, “I wasn’t going to leave. I am not going anywhere, I promise.” 

Then Light was too panicked to notice anything, he was too far gone to hear footsteps running in and kneeling besides him, asking L questions. He felt the light sting of a needle in the hollow of his elbow and a soothing hand on his back. After minutes Light started to calm down. Tears still steadily rolling down his cheeks as he relaxed a bit in L’s arms. 

“The morphine is to stop the pain and the dormicum will calm him down. He could be really sleepy and dizzy for a while,” a female voice spoke, “I suggest you stay close to him in case he gets really confused or scared. Although the dormicum should calm him enough.”  
“When will the morphine be out of his system?” L asked.  
“About four to seven hours usually, but with Light’s medical history It could be faster.” The nurse said. 

The teen suddenly felt really angry. He didn’t need morphine or dormicum, who did they think they were? He could deal with panic attacks on his own. He always did. The drugs made him dizzy and unable to think straight and his brain was the only useful thing about his body. This made him furious. Though the adrenaline and nonepinephrine never actually reached his muscles, Light’s heart was racing and his pupils were dilated. 

He was mad, but grateful that the pain was gone. And it wasn’t exactly like Light enjoyed the panic attacks. 

The nurse laid a hand on Light’s shoulder, “Light, can you tell me what is wrong,” she asked softly.  
Light pulled his face from the crook of L’s neck and turned his head in the nurses direction. She let out a small sigh upon noticing the dilation in Light’s eyes, this alone with the raised heartbeat meant that Light was feeling either angry or afraid and the nurse knew. “Are you angry?”  
The brunet decided to lie, “No. I… don’t know.” He said, letting the words fall from his lips a little more desperate then he wanted.  
“Well, maybe you are just hungry, you haven’t eaten in a while.” the nurse suggested and Light was happy with the change of topic. “What would you like to eat?”  
“Tomato soup,” Light replied, letting go of L, once he realised he was still clenching his shirt, and sat up. Only now it came to his attention that his stomach was rumbling and his throat was dry.  
“Then I’ll get you some,” the woman said and hurried to fetch him the soup.

Light laid down. The mattress almost freezing against his flustered, feverous skin. The brunet closed his eyes, feeling a little drowsy. The pillows seemed to relieve the headache and Light sighed gratefully.  
“You scared me, Light.” L mumbled, receiving Lights immediate attention.  
“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to. I was scared you were going to leave,” Light replied giving him a pout he wasn’t sure L could see. “I didn’t want you to leave.”  
“I wasn’t going too,” the detective spoke softly. “I simply thought you needed your space.”  
Light found the ravens hand on the bed and took it into his. “I don’t need space from you,” he smiled lewdly. Was that him talking or was the morphine making his thoughts fuzzy? No, he did need space but not right now, right now he needed a steady factor to hold onto, and that was L. 

The nurse came back with soup and Light started eating eagerly. A soft smile was playing on his lips. When he was done he let L set the bowl away and he nuzzled into the pillows.  
He was feeling very cheerful all of the sudden, “Hey L,” he mumbled a little muffled though the pillow.  
“Mmh?” the man hummed.  
“Did you know that crayfish are blue?” Light laughed at his own words and continued without waiting for L’s response. “I think blue crayfish want to be special or something that’s why they are blue.” Not realising that the words he spoke sounded extremely strange, he continued gleefully with explaining why the crayfish would want to be special. L hummed occasionally and chuckled softly. The words Light formed made sense in his head but somehow came out wrong. 

“I think some humans are blue too,” Light suddenly said after a silence. “but I don’t think blue people want to be special. Do you think I am blue?” the brunet asked suddenly dead serious.  
“Why would you be blue?” L chucked amused.  
“Because blue people are gay,” Light said and L laughed at the weird comparison.  
“Oh noooo, I think I am gay.” The brunet continued. “Don’t tell my father, he will hit me if he knows.” 

“Is that the morphine talking or are you actually?” L asked with a curiosity in his voice.  
“I don’t like girls,” Light chuckled, “and I really like you.” The words had escaped his mouth before he could stop it and he laughed a little flustered. He didn’t really care, he was far too drugged to care.  
Not long after declaring that, he felt tired and pulled the covers over his shoulders up to his chin. He heard L say something but he was already too far into dreamland to actually know what.

__ 

When Light woke up the next day he realised that he had no memory of the day before, at least not of anything that happened after he got the morphine. He vaguely knew L was there and that he had told him something weird about crayfish. He did remember that L had whispered to him later that day when it was already dark outside. he also recalled a new nurse coming in and giving him some water.  
He felt strange, like he missed something important. He reached for his phone to check if there were any new messages.  
“07:09,” the phone spoke as he unlocked it. Scrolling through his phone he found the notifications menu, “Notifications, you have six new texts.”  
He double tapped to open the notification “Text message sent at 22:40, Hey Light, I told you yesterday that I am going to be there at 12, but you probably don’t remember so I decided to text you. ~L”,  
Light’s cheeks reddened and he felt a little ashamed, he had indeed forgotten everything L had told him. He started to type a reply, not completely sure what to say, he typed slowly, pondering the words that came to mind. “Thanks for texting me, I did forget. Sorry :(” 

Scrolling down on his phone he found five messages from Matt. He tapped so his phone started reading out loud. 

“Text message sent at 07:01, caps lock: YAGAMI? ~Matty”  
Light chuckled softly, Matt never missed an opportunity to use caps lock. 

“Text message sent at 07:01, caps lock: WHY ARE YOU IN THE HOSPITAL? ~Matty”

“Text message sent at 07:02, caps lock: ARE YOU OK? ~Matty”

“Text message sent at 07:02, caps lock: PLS DON’T IGNORE ME I AM WORRIED ~Matty”

“Text message sent at 07:02, caps lock: LLLIIIIIGGGGHHHTTTTT ~Matty”  
Matt had always been a good friend of Light’s. They met in school years ago and the redhead had been there through everything. He was almost like a brother to the brunet. They usually spent some time together in the weekends. Light had been stupid not to let him know anything. He usually came right away even if he had better things to do.  
Sachiko had never approved of their friendship. Matt was an orphan and kind of a rebel. He was sassy, loud, cheerful and knew no boundaries. Light’s parents had never liked him, he gave the teen wrong ideas and dragged him into stupid things. At least, that’s what they thought. None of that was true, Matt had never so much as pushed Light to do things he didn’t want to, besides, Matt opened a world to Light that he had never known. 

The brunet typed a quick response. “I’m okay. I got hit by a car” he locked his phone and laid it back on the nightstand.

Not an hour later after Light had washed himself, dressed and eaten, Matt stormed into his room. Light was sitting on the bed, two doctors surrounding him.  
“Oh. Am I interrupting?” Matt asked and one of the doctors turned around.  
“No, we are just taking some blood.” The doctor explained and Matt proceeded to come closer. He took the chair next to the bed and sighed almost inaudible.  
“Please hold your finger stretched out.” The doctor asked and Light braced for the needle as he did. they had already taken blood from the IV and now they were taking blood from his finger. After they wrapped up and left, Light turned to sit against the headboard and smile at Matt.

“Your sister texted me, what happened?” Matt asked as he moved the chair closer to the brunet.  
So Light explained, again. for what felt like the millionth time. He didn’t mind. He was used to explaining over and over again. having Matt there was a relief, he could freely speak without being scared that he’d say things he didn’t mean to say. The redhead knew everything about him and he never betrayed Light’s trust.  
The conversation moved to games, school, other people and Light was happy with the distraction. He was gratefully talking along with Matt’s chatter. 

Matt left, after an hour, to go to school. Leaving Light yet again, alone in the hospital.  
Soichiro visited that day again, making the air tense and full of unspoken hatred.  
L came half an hour after Soichiro and he and Light’s father discussed old cases. Light was tired and listened to the conversation as he laid tucked underneath the covers of his bed. He slowly drifted off further and further. Until sleep overtook him again and he slept.  
Light woke up, completely oblivious to the time and groaned loudly. He expected that he was alone, however he heard a chuckle when he yawned and turned his head to where the sound was coming from.  
“Finally awake, I see,” L laughed and Light cocked his head to the side.  
“Finally?” the brunet asked as he stretched his limbs.  
“You slept for almost a day,” L explained. He stood from the chair next to the bed and sat down on the bed. He laced his fingers with Light’s. “I was starting to think you where dead.” L jokingly spoke.  
“Oh,” Light looked down and realised that he was kind of hungry. “Why did no one wake me?”  
L took in a breath. “That would be because they wanted you to rest well, you are going home tomorrow.”


	7. Stained Porcelain

Light woke up early the next morning, yawning as he stretched his bones. He had fallen asleep with L on a chair next to him. The raven had been telling him about cases and Light had listened to his voice. He could listen to L’s voice forever.  
The teen remembered little of what L spoke off, but he remembered falling asleep with a smile. 

Light threw the covers off of him and sat up, throwing his legs over the edge of the bed. He heard a soft sigh in the corner of the room and startled. He sat quietly listening to the person’s movements.  
“Good morning,” L’s slightly rough voice found Light’s ears.  
Light turned his head towards him and with a voice that was barely above a whisper, asked, “Did you… did you sleep here?”  
“Mhh, Yeah, I didn’t mean to fall asleep, but I was doing some really boring work,” L purred as he stood from his chair. “How did you sleep?”  
The brunet swallowed and turned his face away, “I had a lot of nightmares.” 

“I heard,” the detective said as he sat down on the bed next to Light. “About your mother I believe.”  
The teen swallowed and nodded, “Yes, about my mother.” he stood up and took the IV trolley in hand as he walked to the bathroom. “It’s fine though,” he said before going to wash up. He could hear L sigh as he closed the door. He leaned against it and closed his eyes, ignoring the nausea that made him feel like throwing up. Tears started running over Light’s cheeks again as he tried to stop shuddering. 

Then he was throwing up in the toilet, he was kneeling in front of the porcelain, his hands gripped whatever was within reach. The teen was coughing and hiccupping and sweating.  
Suddenly there was a hand on his shoulder and fingers stroking hair out of his face. When Light was done vomiting he was pulled to L’s chest. The raven had thrown the door open in worry, he had found the brunet half covered in his own puke and crying on the ground. 

L was rocking him and whispering to him, Light couldn’t make out the words. He was shaking and he sobbed and the detective tried to calm him, but once again Light couldn’t calm down. The teen frantically tried to breath, but breathing was hard.  
For the second time he was having a panic attack. This one equally horrible as the last.  
Breathing became harder and Light was so, so nauseous. When he felt a new wave of vomit he pushed L away harshly and leaned over the toilet again. A smoothing hand was running up and down his back. Tears mixed with whatever was in the toilet and a soft towel was slowly dabbing the sweat from Light’s forehead and the vomit from his face. 

The sting of a needle emitted a sharp gasp form the brunet. He slumped back into L’s arms as the clouds in his mind seemed to clear. he was still panting and crying and covered in vomit and something warm and sticky.  
“It’s okay, It’s okay. Please keep breathing,” L’s voice was slightly panicked. He too was a little shaky and Light hated that he had done that. 

Another person kneeled down beside them, “Can I see your arm, Light?” Mikami. Light had no idea what he was talking about so he just nodded.  
Mikami picked up Light’s left arm and examined it carefully. He took a deep breath, “This doesn’t look to bad.”  
The brunet started to feel a little sting that became worse by the second on the arm that Mikami was holding. “What… happened?” his voice was barely a whisper.  
“I don’t know, you seemed to have sliced your arm on your way down, it won’t need stitching though,” the nurse explained. 

A moment passed and Light started to gasp for breath, while becoming nauseous again. L cooed him, but even L and the Dormicum weren’t enough to keep the teen from starting to cry again. 

Then suddenly there was a gasp and the voice of his father, “Light?”  
The brunet startled and couldn’t find his breath. His parents just walked in on him, on the floor, in L’s arms, a total mess.  
“Shit,” L cursed. “Light, you have to breath, please breathe.” The raven spoke sharply.  
Then Mikami shook his shoulder, “Light, I am giving you another dose of Dormicum if you don’t calm down, believe me you don’t want that.” 

The treat helped, Light wanted to remain conscious and the Dormicum didn’t allow that after a second dose. So he breathed, In and out. In and out. until his lungs started craving more and he gasped a few times. 

“What the hell is going on here?” Soichiro asked, his words sharp and clear and concerned?  
Light gasped again, “I’m s-sorry,” he hitched and closed his eyes again. he was convinced his father hadn’t heard him.  
“Your son is having a panic attack,” Mikami said straight out.  
For years Light had been trying to hide the fact that he was having panic attacks every so often, but now his father knew and even worse, he saw it with his own eyes. Not one of his milder attacks, or one that was barely even there, no. Soichiro saw the full on worse. Vomit, blood and all.  
“It happens too often, I would suggest giving your son professional help mister Yagami. With all due respect, he should have gotten help years ago when these panic attacks started,” the nurse had no idea what kind of trouble he was getting Light into. 

“Years ago? He has never had a panic attack before this,” Sachiko said, she stepped closer to the scene and the brunet knew she was pointing a finger at Mikami as if to make a point.  
“Not that you are aware of maybe. Light how long have these attacks been present?” the nurse asked.  
Light buried his face in L’s neck who was quietly still running his hand up and down the small of Light’s back. The teen held up four fingers, indicating it had been going on for four years.  
Both Mikami and L sighed. Soichiro and Sachiko were quiet. Light squeezed his eyes tightly shut, fearing that he had disappointed everyone there. 

When no one said a thing L spoke, “Light, should I help you get cleaned up?” his voice was soft and comforting.  
Light nodded and both the nurse and L helped him to stand. The teen was weak and he leaned heavily against the raven’s chest. Mikami patted him on the shoulder, he proceeded to pick up the needle and bandages he’d used and leave the small bathroom. He closed the door behind him, leaving Light with L.  
The detective locked the door, he helped Light get out of his clothes and washed him as Light sat on the lid of the toilet defeated. He cleared his mind and tried not to think about L toughing him carefully. 

The raven wiped away the remainder of tears of the teens face and then held his face in his hands carefully.  
“I promise I’ll help you, Light,” he said.  
The brunet looked at him with sad eyes. He had no words. He didn’t know what to reply to this man, that was simultaneously taking his breath away and making him anxious in a good way. His feelings were all over the place and Light didn’t know what to do with them. 

L helped Light dress and he sat on the toilet as the brunet brushed his teeth. The raven pushed the trolley as Light reached for the door. He slowly opened the door, but was abruptly halted by his mother’s voice.  
“I wish you had given him back to that girl,” her voice was harsh, “you cheat on me and now I have to put up with a kid that isn’t even mine!”  
Light dropped his bag of toiletries, drawing this parent’s attention.  
“Oh, Light,” Sachiko said.  
“I am not your son?” Light mumbled in disbelieve. 

There was a silence that was so maddening that Light wanted to scream.  
The woman took a breath, “No. you are not mine.”  
The brunet grabbed the trolley from L’s hand and his cane from where it stood by the door and with a dizzying pace he stormed out of the room. He ran through the corridor, setting his lungs aflame and hurting every part of his body. He ran until he was stopped by Mikami.  
“Light? Oh god, are you going to throw up?” the nurse asked.  
Light nodded as he tried to catch his breath. The male quickly guided him to a nearby toilet and once again Light threw up. 

When the brunet was done he sat back against the nearest wall, leaning his head against the cool tiles offered some relieve. Mikami sat down next to him.  
“Are you okay? What happened?” the nurse asked.  
Light shrugged, “I don’t know,” he answered both of those questions.  
“Do you want to talk about it?” Mikami lain a hand on Light’s knee.  
The teen sighed. “No.”  
“Do you want me to leave you alone for a bit?”  
“No.” Light didn’t want to return to his room, but he didn’t want to be alone either.  
“Okay.”  
They sat in silence for a good ten minutes. Until Light decided it was time for him to go back and face his problems. 

Before Light left, Mikami ridded him of the Iv in his hand, so he could move freely again. Light softly thanked him and the nurse shrugged it off. He walked Light to his room and said that a doctor would soon come to do a final check-up.  
In his room there was silence and Light walked to his bed without a word. He was angry at his parents for not telling him anything, but at the same time it started to make sense why Sachiko hated Light so much. 

“Light, I am leaving you to the more than capable hands of Ryuzaki for a couple of days.” Soichiro spoke. “He will take care of you as your mother and I figure some things out…”  
Light didn’t mind, he didn’t want to go home anyway, not now. And if L wanted to stay by his side who was Light to say that he couldn’t. so Light nodded and Soichiro awkwardly tried to hug his son before he left. 

The raven helped Light pack and he even got a wheelchair to move the teen to L’s vehicle. The doctor came and said that the brunet could leave the hospital. Mikami gave him some medication and handed Light a card with appointments. After that Light was free to go. 

The detective wanted to roll Light all the way to the car, but Light wanted to walk, so they left the wheelchair in the hospital and walked to the car.  
The fresh air was good and Light enjoyed the sun on his skin. The tapping of his cane made it even more rhythmic and calming and the brunet liked that. Although he got really dizzy from standing up too long, he still wanted to walk all the way to the car that was parked two blocks away.  
They didn’t speak as they walked, L gave Light some room to breathe and think. And Light was grateful that the raven didn’t try to make conversation or speak at all until they reached the car. 

“This is my car, do you need help getting in?” L asked.  
Light shook his head and searched for the door Handel. Once he found it he pulled the door open and sat down. Tiredness overtook him again as L started the engine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you hadn’t noticed yet, the coding on the website isn’t working and I can’t write things in _cursive_ in without it messing up the entire code of the chapter. I am trying to contact the archive to get it fixed, but they aren’t responding.  
>  Instead of cursive I decided to write like this so you can still understand it. ^-^


	8. Hunting Dreams

Sayu called when Light and L were on their way to the raven’s residence.  
The brunet was happy to hear his little sister’s voice. “Sorry I didn’t come to the hospital, Light. Mom and dad wouldn’t let me,” she spoke.  
“It’s okay,” though really it wasn’t, Light wanted to see his sister and he hated that his parents didn’t let him.  
“Do you know when you are coming home?” the girl asked.  
The teen swallowed, “I don’t know, I am going to stay with a friend for a while,” he explained. He couldn’t bring himself to hide the things he was feeling.  
Sayu sounded concerned, “Why?”  
Light wanted to lie to her and tell her some kind of bullshit story so she wouldn’t worry, but for some reason he couldn’t. “I’m not mom’s son,” he spoke softly.  
“What do you mean?” the teen was aware of the slight fright in his sister’s voice.  
“Dad cheated on mom with someone and I am her child. Please, Sayu, don’t tell mom and dad I told you this.”  
“Look mom and dad are coming home and I have to go cram for school in a bit, but I’ll come visit you and we can talk, okay?” Sayu said and Light could hear the front door opening on the other end of the line.  
“Okay.” The brunet swallowed back tears.  
“Be strong big brother! I love you!” the girl replied with her usual cheerful voice.  
Light nodded as if she could see it, “I’ll try.”  
They hung up.

Light took a deep breath and leaned his head against the window, careful not to lean on any of the bandages.  
He could feel L’s eyes on him, but he pretended not to care.  
“Light how are you feeling?” the raven asked.  
“Good enough, given the circumstances,” he replied, his voice slightly off.  
L hummed, “that’s good.”  
The brunet closed his eyes, shutting the world out for a few minutes, he had the choice between thinking about his parents or about his feelings for L and he didn’t really want to think about either. He tried not to think about anything, but the thing about not wanting to think of anything was that you thought about everything. And the teen’s thoughts kept trailing back to his mother. 

He’d figured that the dreams where not so much dreams as they were repressed memories. The woman that was there when he was in a coma, the woman his ‘mother’ had yelled at. For a long time, deep down, Light had known that Sachiko wasn’t his real mother.  
However that didn’t make up for the fact that they had never told him. Did he not have the right to know? Did he not have the right to understand why Sachiko had treated him like he was nothing? In the hospital the brunet had wanted to ask them why, he had wanted to ask them so many questions.

With the whirlwind of change came a small bit of optimistic hope,  
Deep down Light was an optimist, but he had long but forgotten about that optimism. His parents taught him that he was never good enough, and when he was, he had given them standards to uphold. 

“How about your arm?” L’s voice pulled Light out of his thoughts.  
“I don’t feel a thing,” the brunet replied, lie number two, he had started counting earlier when he told L the dreams were nothing. Running his fingers over the bandages on his arm, he turned his face to L and offered him a soft smile.  
Not sure if L had seen it he turned his face away again.  
L didn’t say anything the rest of the drive to his house, neither did Light. He had fallen asleep against the cold window.

__ 

“Light?” a hand squeezed his.  
The teen turned his ear to listen to the voice, but kept his eyes shut. However, it didn’t help that his neck was hurting and his face seemed to be glued to something.  
“If you can hear me, then I just want to tell you that I am sorry,” the voice was so unfamiliar and… far away. There was a bleeping in the background that he couldn’t quite place.  
“I didn’t want to hurt you, didn’t want to leave you,” they sniffled. Light wanted to reach out a hand to comfort them, but he couldn’t quite reach them. They weren’t near him, not near enough.  
“Light…” bolds of pain shot through the teens head.  
Then a far more familiar voice spoke; “What are you—”  
“Please, just another minute, we both want to be with him.” As the sentence progressed it seemed that the voice faded. The headache grew worse.  
The brunet reached out a hand and grasped the hem of something, pulling it, wanting them to stay. “No…” he whispered.

“Light?” 

“Please, don’t leave me again…” 

“I’m not going away.” It was L’s voice, soft but certain.  
The brunet let go of the hem of his shirt as he woke up.  
They were still in the car, L’s hand was on his cheek and the teen was nauseous. 

“I’m not going to leave you, Light. I promise,” L whispered as he traced circles over his skin. The brunet tried to contain his panting. He was painfully aware of the pain in his head.  
It took a moment before Light realised where he was and what was happening. He’d dreamt of his mother again. He’d heard her voice, she’d been there, right there.  
“Hey.” the raven’s voice was clear, “Are you okay?”  
The teen raised his hand and pointed at his head and as if L could read his mind he sighed, “A headache, let’s get you inside and I’ll give you some medications and a glass of water.”  
“Are we already at your house?” Light asked softly.  
“Apartment, but yes, you slept almost all the way home.” L replied and unbuckled his seatbelt. 

__ 

2 PM.  
Light sat down on the couch after L had explained where everything was. The raven let the teen feel and explore for a bit after the tour and Light walked around a little uncertain, while L sat on the sofa. 

The apartment was quite spacious and easy for Light to move around in, though the teen noticed that it would be a challenge to find some things in the pantry. He liked his tiny bedroom, it was simple, a bed, a night stand, a closet and a desk. Simple. There was a bathroom right down the hall and L slept in the bedroom right next to his. There was a third bedroom on the other side of the apartment, which belonged to someone, but the detective hadn’t said who. 

Light sighed as he pulled his legs to his chest.  
“So, is everything as you wish?” L asked, his tone was lighter and cheerful.  
The teen nodded, “You must be rich if you can afford this.” He mumbled.  
“Being a freelance detective has its perks.” The man chuckled.

The front door opened and someone walked in, Light could hear them taking off their shoes and jacket. He turned his head towards L, hoping he would introduce the newcomer.  
“What is it?” the raven asked and Light realised that he probably hadn’t heard the person coming in.  
“Who’s at the door?” the teen asked.  
Footsteps approached.  
“Good afternoon!” a cheerful voice spoke. Light immediately recognized the voice as the man who had been talking to L in the hospital.  
“Good afternoon Watari.” The raven replied, “Light this is Watari, he is my caretaker and the closest thing I have to a father.” 

Light stood up and bowed. “Nice to meet you sir, I am Light Yagami, son of—”  
“Soichiro Yagami, I know son.” The man interrupted the brunet. “It’s a pleasure to have you here, Light.”  
“Thank you, sir,” the teen replied and sat down. 

“Now, I bought ice cream and I am making crumpets for you, L” Watari said as he walked to the kitchen counter.  
“Thank you, Watari,” the raven replied.  
Light sighed softly and let his limbs relax a bit as Watari and L talked about some practical business. He listened, not wanting to think about anything.  
When he found himself dozing off again he stood up from the couch. Both men stopped talking. The sudden attention made the teen blush. “I am going to my room, I’m really tired.”  
“Okay, call me or Watari if you need anything,” the detective purred.  
Light nodded and left. 

In the bedroom he changed his slacks for pajama pants and walked to the bed. He laid down and curled up under the covers. The sheets smelled fresh and clean and the room was slightly cool.  
Light thought about Sayu and his father and then he started wondering what his real mother looked like. That was the last thought on his mind before he entered dreamland. 

__ 

It wasn’t the dreams that made Light cry. It was the fact that he had no idea where they came from. They were horrible, yes, but he was mostly annoyed because he knew they were repressed memories. The questions was; from what?  
And that night yet again he woke up from a memory. He opened his eyes and curled up under the covers. He started crying softly, hoping he didn’t wake L, who was sleeping on the other side of the wall.  
This nightmare had been about his real mother again. She had tried to hold him but someone didn’t let her. The brunet had been violently trying to run towards her, but he was also stopped by a person.  
The sound of feet on the wooden floorboards indicated that L was awake and the teen buried his face in the pillow, hoping dearly that the raven hadn’t heard him. Then he made up his mind and got out of bed.  
His bare feet padding across the floor to the door, created a weird echo-like sound. He searched for the door handle and softly opened the door. Running his hands along the wall he found L’s door and softly knocked on it. “L?” he spoke, something was stuck in his throat and his voice sounded a little off.

“Come in,” came the reply. Light opened the door and stepped in. he realised he had never been in the ravens room before and didn’t know if he could walk forwards without walking into anything. L seemed to notice his doubt, “6 steps ahead of you is my bed, to your right is only a wall and to your left is nothing for about 10 steps.” He spoke.

Light swallowed and took a few steps. He closed the door behind him and walked to sit on the bed without even asking for permission. He heard the man cross the room and sit down next to him. “Couldn’t sleep?” L asked when he took in Light’s face.  
“Another nightmare,” the teen rubbed his eyes, wiping away the tears that still lingered there.  
L hummed, “About your mother?” he asked as he ran a smoothing hand over Light’s arm. The teen leaned into his touch and felt a blush creep over his cheeks. His heart started pounding in his chest and he regretted his decision to come to L’s room.  
The man laid a finger under Light’s chin and raised it to look at him. The brunet’s breath caught and he wanted to get closer to L.  
He choked out a soft “Yes.”  
“They are getting worse, aren’t they?” the raven asked.  
“Yes,”  
They sat in silence for a while. Light wanted to tell L that he didn’t want to be alone, he didn’t want to dream again. He wanted to tell L that he him. Somehow the words didn’t find his lips. Somehow he could only sit and listen to L’s breathing. 

“I’m sorry,” the detective said, “I am sorry that you have to go through this,” he was genuine and Light wasn’t used to that.  
“Do you think we can find out who she is?” the brunet averted his gaze and blushed. He hadn’t want to ask him, he wanted his father to tell him everything himself. He wanted his father to call him or pick him up and tell him everything about his mother, but that wasn’t going to happen and the only thing to do was to ask L.  
“Yes we could. Maybe you should ask your father first though.”  
“Okay.”  
The raven gave Light a pad on the back and stood up. “I think you should give them a chance to explain themselves.”  
The teen didn’t say anything.  
“Light, it’s really late. Maybe you should go back to bed.” L mumbled, he stroked Light’s cheek with care.  
“I— yes, maybe you are right.” The brunet stood up and walked to the door. “Thanks.”  
“Anytime.”


	9. Fucking Pills

When Light woke up the next morning he smelled coffee an toast, following his nose he went straight for the door without bothering to change out of his pyjama’s. he ignored the slight pain in his head and the aching of his muscles. The house was pleasantly warm and soft jazz was filling the hallways, winter was around the corner and Light loved nothing more than coffee on a cold morning. He entered the living room humming along to a familiar tune and strode to were the coffee pot was.   
He heard a chuckle from the breakfast bar and smiled, “Good morning!” Light announced cheerfully.   
“It certainly is,” L agreed. “you are in a good mood.”   
Light carefully poured himself a cup of coffee, “I feel better,” he replied with a smile. He felt his way to the breakfast bar and sat down next to L.   
“Really? No more pain? Aren’t you still nauseas?” the raven asked, Light heard the rustling sound of a paper and assumed L had been reading before he walked in.   
“No, not really, I mean I feel a little tired but nothing really bad.” The brunet sipped his coffee.  
“Good to hear.”   
Light looked away and hesitated, stirring his coffee slowly, “Why did you stay in the hospital with me, L?” he asked carefully.   
The raven thought about the question before saying something. “the simple answer is; because I care about you.” He spoke.  
“But that’s a little weird isn’t it, you hardly know me, you met me a day before.” Light looked down, his cheeks heating up. “So what’s the complicated answer?” 

The man took a breath, “the complicated answer is not one you’ll like.” He said and sought out the brunet’s hand.   
“Please,” his voice came out a whisper, “I need to make sense of what I am feeling.” He said hesitantly. The air shifted from the airy jazz-filled morning to a tense surrounding full of secrets. Secrets that weren’t necessarily for Light’s ears.   
L’s hand left his and the brunet shuddered, he carefully released a breath he had been holding.   
“Your father asked me to monitor you, I’ve been keeping tabs of what you are doing outside of your house for almost a year.” the words were knifes, one after the other cutting open his chest. Light turned to the raven with wide eyes full of disbelieve.   
“I knew you when you walked into me at the park, I’ve known you for a long time.” His voice was soft. Light’s body screamed to walk away, strike L across the face in the process, but Light was glued to his chair for some reason he could not explain. 

Light swallowed and turned his gaze down.  
“Please, say something.” L asked as he placed his hand back on the brunet’s.   
The teen had no idea what to say, he felt betrayed, but deep inside he didn’t care at all.  
“You need to know that I never told anything to your parents that you didn’t want them to know, I tried to protect you.” The words seemed to mean nothing, yet everything.

“Please…” 

 

 

“If I… would die now,” the boy raised his head, face drained of colour and emotion. “Would you be sad?” 

 

When reply didn’t come right away, the brunette stood and made an attempt to walk away. His shoulders tense, his eyes closed as if to hide what was behind them.   
“Of course, of course I would be sad.” The raven stood too, “No, sad is wrong, Light, I would be devastated.” His hand reached for the teen’s wrist.   
“I watched you through a screen for so long, you became the only interesting thing about my life. It was as if you were living a life for me. I became attached to you. Having you here is…”  
He pulled Light closer by the wrist and laid his other hand on the brunets upper arm. “Having you here means the world to me.”

“I care about you.” 

Light opened his eyes, he raised his hands and found the ravens cheeks, running a thumb over L’s mouth. 

The detective took a breath and wrapped his arms around Light, pulling him in for a tight hug.   
“I care about you.” He repeated the words in a whisper. “Never doubt that.”

__

Hours later Light found himself on the bathroom floor, an empty package of painkillers lay besides him as he closed his eyes and focused on the pain raging through every inch of his body. L had left for work not too long ago, he’d promised he’d be home quickly.   
the brunet leaned his head against the cool tiles and breathed carefully, his lungs started to burn and his head ached, he’d thought he could bear it, he always though he could.   
He had tried washing his hair and flushing the streaks of blood away, without success. After getting out of the shower he sat down on the toilet and took some painkillers for his head. All was good for a brief second before he slipped and fell, barely able to catch himself.   
Now everything hurt and he was bruised all over. His muscles ached and his chest felt like it was pressed between a road and a steamroller. The remaining few pills in the bottle of simple iboprufen were gone now, swallowed without water, hoping it would help against the pain.  
The teen sat on the stone in his sweat pants and tried to breath as little as possible. He couldn’t get up yet, he hoped that if he waited long enough that the pain would vanish and he could go to his room. He wanted to avoid L, avoid the concern in his voice, but he knew that it was almost inevitable. 

After another hour of silent hoping and pain the brunet heard the front door open and sighed. His brow furrowed and he tried to stay quiet as he listened to the familiar footfall.   
“Light?” L called out.   
Light shut his eyes and held his breath.   
“Light, I am home. I have the stuff your father brought for you.” The raven spoke.   
The brunet tried to push himself up, but fell back to the tiles with an agonising grunt.   
The sound must have caught L’s attention, his feet stalked closer to the door and a soft knock followed. “Are you in here?”   
“Yeah…” Light replied softly. He sighed.   
“Do you need any help in there?” the raven asked, slight concern in his voice. He was leaning against the frame on the outside of the bathroom, analysing the sounds that erupted from Light’s anxious shifting.  
Light made another attempt the get up and placed both hands firmly on the floor, “Uhm, no, I’m fine…” he muttered. He pushed himself up and fell down on the toilet after which he broke out in a series of loud coughs and gasps for breath.   
“You don’t sound okay…” L replied as Light calmed down again, his breath still ragged and uneven.   
The brunet didn’t say anything and clenched his hands to his chest to calm his heart.   
“Okay, tell me what’s going on or I’ll come in.” the man’s voice was firm.   
“Please don’t, I’m not wearing any clothes.” Light spoke.   
The raven took a step towards the door, “I don’t care.” He said, before opening the door and finding the teen on the toilet seat, chest heaving and bruised all over.  
Light closed his eyes and pressed his lips together while leaning back. Tears finding their way to the surface. He tried to contain himself but he was falling apart more and more by the second. L sat down on the edge of the bathtub.   
Light tugged self-consciously on his sweatpants and turned his face away   
“What happened?” L asked.  
Light coughed again and shot L an apologetic look, “I didn’t take the pills.” He said, fidgeting with the hem of his shirt.   
“Why not? I mean, look at where we are now, you are in much pain, how long have you even been here?” L carefully extended an arm to Light’s shoulder.  
“A few hours.”   
“God Light, a few hours?” Light could picture him shaking his head. “Why didn’t you take the pills?”   
Light shook his head twice before speaking, “I don’t like the way they make me feel fuzzy and drowsy. I can’t use my head properly.”   
“I understand, but wouldn’t it be best if you take them and let me do the thinking for you.” He patted Light’s shoulder. 

 

Tears started falling from his eyes as he hid his head in his hands.   
“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it that way…” L’s apology seemed to fade away as Light’s panic took over.   
The voice in his head repeating itself over and over again. 

 

 

 

Noises buzzed around him as he covered his ears with his hands. He cried and the pain in his body doubled. With a smack and a scream everything stopped and Light knew he had passed out.


	10. Clattering cutlery

Light woke up with his worst headache yet. He slid his hands over the smooth surface of the bed he had been sleeping on. He had no memory of getting to his bed. He breathed and smelled rain. He missed seeing the rain and suddenly he remembered how much he missed seeing things.  
The smell of rain brought him back to when he and Matt used to sit inside and watch the rain fall. They talked for hours on end about school and math and computers and games. They were really close and would tell each other everything. Light loved those stolen moments more than anything back then. He loved being with Matt and feeling like he was accepted and understood.  
A particular memory from a few years ago floated to the surface; Matt was quiet when they had sat down next to the window in Light’s bedroom. Light had spoken about their math teacher for a while when he noticed how awfully quiet his friend was. He had turned to him and with raised eyebrows and asked if he was alright. Matt didn’t say anything for some time before looking Light in the eyes. He bit his lip before speaking, “I’m sorry, it’s nothing…” he turned away from Light and hid his face in his hands. It took the young brunet a while to realising that Matt was crying.  
“You can trust me Matty.” Light placed a hand on his shoulder, “Nothing can push me away.”  
Matt’s watery hazel eyes found his, his expression a mixture of relieve and fear, “I like you, Light.” He spoke softly.  
“Alright, I like you too…” the boy’s face was blank, but his voice made clear that he was confused.  
“No, Light, you don’t understand.” Matt carefully took the hand previously resting on his shoulder in his own, “I like, like you… Like a relationship. I think I’m gay.”  
Light was quiet, he didn’t know what to say. His parents had raised him to be against homosexuality, but this was Matt, his Matt, the boy he felt safe with.  
“Look, I know you are not interested in me, so can we please just stay friends. This shouldn’t ruin our friendship.” Matt’s words sounded desperate.  
The brunet smiled at him a little awkward, not really knowing what to do with all this information, “Of course. Nothing has to change.”  
“Everything is already changed, but that doesn’t mean it’s a bad thing,” Matt spoke softly as a smile found its way to the surface.

 

Light curled up in a ball and sighed. With his fingers he touched his cold nose and pulled the covers over his head. He missed Matt more than anything, at the moment.

A few minutes later there sounded a soft knock through the room. The cracking of the door sent a shiver down the brunet’s spine.  
Light turned away from the sound and pulled the cover tighter to him.  
“Watari made dinner, if you’re hungry you can come have some.” L’s voice rang through the room.  
The boy hummed in mere response.  
L sighed and shut the door. 

Light waited a while before getting out of bed and looking for clothes. He noticed that his wardrobe was suddenly filled with neatly folded shirts and slacks. He sighed, annoyed at the thought that L was putting his clothes away while he was sleeping.  
He decided to go with a plain t-shirt and jeans. Putting the jeans on seemed to require more effort than he anticipated and he sat down quite exhausted when the task was done. Maybe he wasn’t ready to do everything by himself, he just had surgery and he shouldn’t expect too much. And yet, he wanted so badly to be alright, to go back home and pick up his normal routine.  
And now more than ever he understood what Matt had said about change, he understood that he couldn’t go back to his old life, that he was now mentally and physically scarred from the attempted suicide. 

When he opened his room door he heard L talking and the muffled sound of cutlery clinking against each other.  
He stalked closer to the end of the hallway and listened.  
“Please Watari, not now.” L said.  
“When then? There is a time limit here son,” Watari said.  
“I know, I know, just let me do this…” L sighed and it sounded as if he dropped his cutlery to the table. “Watari, I am selfish and egoistic and if I can do one thing that isn’t selfish and egoistic then I will, I have too.”  
Watari hummed, “But aren’t you doing this for selfish reasons?”  
“I don’t know…” with that L moved his chair back and stood up.  
“L… just realise you have to leave him behind sooner or later…” Watari said after a short pause.

Light took a breath, he swallowed the many questions he had about who L was going to leave behind and moved towards to dining room.  
The brunet knew that two pairs of eyes turned to him the very second he entered the room. Determinedly the man continued to walk towards the table and sat down. 

“Anyway, I’ll keep you updated.” The raven said, his word pointed at Watari, but his head turned towards Light.  
The brunet sat down and L briefly touched his shoulder before leaving the table.  
The touch emitted a spark that made Light shudder slightly. 

After eating something Light asked Watari where he could find L. The older man pointed him to a door at the end of a hallway were waves of jazz music floated through the air.  
The boy knocked, carefully, like the sound would disturb the air in his very lungs.  
The reply was equally soft and when L asked him to come in Light’s heart skipped a beat.  
He opened the door to a warm room filled with music and the smell of freshly made coffee. L’s fingers raced over the letters of his laptop as he typed. Light closed the door behind him, a little lost in the new space.  
As he walked forwards carefully, sticking his hands forwards to navigate through the maze that was L’s office. L kept typing carelessly for a good minute before the tapping of his fingers on the keyboard stopped and the sighed, “On your left,” his voice was slightly hoarse as if full of emotion.  
Light reached to his left and found the back of an armchair that was supposedly in the far right corner of the room. As Light sat down, he started moving nervously in his seat, realising how hard it was to speak. To ask what L and Watari had been talking about. 

“Light, I am sorry about what happened this afternoon, I shouldn’t have said anything. You can think and take care of yourself,” the Raven spoke although his voice seemed not completely sincere.  
“I’m sorry for having a panic attack…” Light decided that he needed to apologise too.  
L stood up and walked to his side, a sound emitted from the chair next to Light’s as L sat down on it. “Don’t ever apologise for feeling scared, or lonely, or misunderstood. Light, it was my fault that you had that panic attack in the first place.” L took the brunet’s hand in his, and in the silence between them Light heard the rain clatter against the window, reminding him of Matt.  
“I forgive you.” Light spoke in a voice that rang of insecurities, because now for the first time he realised that what happened with Matt when they were kids, was happening with L right now, only in reverse and the brunet didn’t know how to feel about it. 

“I want to see Matt.” Light said.  
“Matt? You mean Mail Jeevas, the redhead?” the detective asked.  
Light nodded, “Can he come over please?” his voice was thin, breakable.  
“Yes, of course!” L said with a tone of excitement Light didn’t quite recognise. “You can contact him yourself, I assume.”  
“Yes,” the brunet replied, however he stayed seated, turned slightly towards L. his mind was racing and the question seemed to stick on his tongue.  
The raven let go of Light’s hand and it was strange, but for the first time the brunet realised that he missed L’s touch as soon as it was gone.  
“Is there anything else, Light?” the man asked, patiently.  
“There is actually,” Light bit his lip, “I want to find my mother.”

Light held his breath awaiting the response.  
“Do you want to know? She could be a prostitute, or a drug addict, or a criminal.” L said.  
“My father chose to sleep with her, so I expect she isn’t either of those. Besides, it cannot be worse than the woman who raised me, right?” Light replied.  
L stood and walked to his computer. He started typing and while his hands raced over the keys he explained, “I’m checking the medical documents of the hospital you were born in, there must be a record of a woman who gave birth at the exact time you were born, who has not identified herself or the baby. So either we find a name, or we find an address for the bill and that way we can find who she is.” L explained.  
Something twisted inside his stomach at the idea of his mother. With all his might he pushed out the idea of a perfect woman, with a husband that would gladly take him back, realising what a mistake she had made. But he couldn’t help thinking that she was the mother he always wanted.  
“Shit,” L cursed softly. “I’m denied access and I don’t possess the hacking skills to get into this database,” he explained.  
“Matt can help, he is a master hacker. I’m sure he can get through the firewall.” Light said as he pulled out his phone to dial Matt.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've been gone fir a while due to some personal issues, thank you all so much for waiting
> 
> I hope you liked this chapter!  
> Leave some comments and kudos if you did!  
> <3  
> visit me on [Tumblr](https://incorrect-light.tumblr.com/)


	11. Unsuccesful Searches

When the doorbell rang through the apartment, Light couldn’t help but smile. The brunet jumped up and in a suddenly energetic state nearly ran to the front door.  
He reached for the cold steel door handle and hesitated shortly before pulling it open. 

“Yagami!” Matt said cheerfully, yet surprised. “I thought you’d be in bed...” the teen smiled and hugged Light. “How are you?”  
“I’m fine, what about you?” Light smiled, holding on to his friend a little longer than he usually would.  
“Oh man, my foster parents are making my life hard. I’m glad you invited me. I could use a break.” Matt explained as they walked into the living room.  
“Are they asking you to babysit again?” Light chuckled.  
“Yeah, since the new child arrived they are constantly nagging me about doing things around the house and begin responsible… very annoying.” the redhead laughed.  
They both came to a halt when L stopped in front of them. Light took a breath and resumed to smile. “L, this is my best friend, Matt.” He spoke softly.  
“It’s nice to meet you Matt,” L said with a tone Light couldn’t exactly place.  
“Same here.” Matt replied, his reaction was obviously one of disapproval. 

To break the awkward silence between them Light cleared his throat. “Shall we go to my room?” the brunet asked.  
Matt agreed and followed Light to his bedroom.  
His friend sighed loudly when Light closed the door behind them and walked to the bed.  
“What’s wrong?” he asked as he patted the empty spot next to him.  
“Why are you here Light?” Matt asked, while sitting down.  
Light crossed his legs and turned his face towards his lap. “My dad arranged it, I don’t know why.” He replied honesty.  
“But why him, who is he? How long have you known him? Why did you never tell me anything about him?”  
The teen swallowed and when he started to speak the words seemed to spill out like a waterfall. “I’m here because my parents despise me and Ryuzaki was the only person who was there for me when I was in the hospital, when I needed someone the most.” He swallowed the anger he was feeling deep inside.  
“I was there for you, Light, you just never called.” Matt’s voice was a rasp of emotions and pain.” And it kind of feels like you replaced me...”  
Light’s mouth fell slightly agape, Matt was right, Light had been so selfishly caught up with himself and L that he had completely forgotten about Matt. So his best friend was jealous...  
“I’m sorry, I never meant to make you feel like that.” Light apologised, his change in posture didn’t go unnoticed by Matt. 

Matt sighed, “No, I know you didn’t. You had a lot on your plate... just know that I’m there for you. And so are my foster parents. They love you, remember.” A hint of a smile rang through his voice.  
“Thanks Matty,” a smile found its way back to Light’s face. “I’m glad I know you.”  
“Everybody is,” his best friend laughed, the sound penetrating through the brunet’s entire being and lighting a spark of happiness. “So, tell me everything, you called me here for a reason right?”  
“I did, but we’ll talk about that later. There are so many other things I want to tell you.” Light took a deep breath. “Matt, I can’t go back home.”  
There was a pause, “Why not?”  
“My father…” Light took another deep breath and Matt placed a hand on his shoulder. “My father has been beating me up because he regrets sleeping around with another woman and having me.” Light spoke quickly and it was immediately like a weight had fallen of his shoulders.  
“Whoa, whoa, slow down… your father and your mother, what?” Matt sounded about as confused as Light had been.  
“My mother is someone who left me 17 years ago and my father hates me. I think it’s because I remind him of her.” Light explained.  
“Oh god, Light that’s horrible.” Matt squeezed his shoulder.  
“I’m scared, of everything… of thinking about her, of trying to find her, of meeting her. I want it all to stop.” His stomach twisted only thinking about all of it. “I’m scared that if I find her, she won’t want me.”  
“Shit man,” Matt seemed unsure how to react.  
“I want to find her, though.” The brunet said. “that’s why I asked you to come, we were unable to hack into the hospital system. Can you help?”  
“Yes, of course. Let’s do it,” Matt agreed and made an attempt to stand.  
“Now?”  
“Yeah, come on,” Matt grabbed Light’s hand and pulled him out of the room. 

They reached the office and maybe it was because Light had a friend to protect or maybe it simply was because he was angry and had to take it out on someone, but when he heard to following; “Yeah, Mail Jeevas, he means nothing, he’s not a threat. The boy was abandoned at birth.” Light stormed into the office without thinking. Matt tried to stop him by taking his wrist.  
“Light it’s fine…”  
Light yanked himself away from his friend and stomped into the room, “Him too Ryuzaki!?” the brunet shouted in L’s general direction. Watari sighed over in the corner. “He’s my friend! You had no right to investigate him!” Light breathed through his nose and spat, “And he means more to me than you do!”  
Light was ready to leave and pack a bag to go stay at Matt’s when L grasped his wrist and pulled him back into the room. Light tried to pull free, but L’s iron grip was too tight. In an attempt to free himself he lashed out at the raven and struck him across the face.  
L seemed unmoved by his efforts and held his wrist almost painfully tight, “Listen, please,”  
“No! Let go of me!” Light yelled, but made no attempt to fight.  
“Light, I’ve been monitoring you for a year. Your father gave clear instructions to investigate everyone and I mean **everyone** you so much as spoke to. Including the people he already knew. Mail doesn’t mean any harm to you.” L explained.  
The teens chest heaved with rage and exhaust and even though L’s words made sense, Light just wanted to be angry, wanted to show his friend that he cared.  
He only stopped being angry when Matt stood behind him and carefully squeezed his upper arm, “It’s fine, you don’t need to protect me,” he whispered. 

The brunet took a breath, “You are not forgiven,” he said to L. “but since Matt is here, I’d like to try and find my mother again.”  
The raven let go of his wrist and turned to his desk, “Of course,” he agreed.  
“Mail, can you hack into the patient database?” the man asked.  
“Call me Matt, but yeah, of course I can.” The redhead sounded confident.  
“Alright… Matt.” L stepped away from the chair.  
Matt took his seat at the laptop and hummed, “this is easy.” The boy started typing.  
A silence fell in the room while Matt was busy breaking the firewall.  
L stood behind Light and leaned in a bit, “Forgive me or don’t Light, I care about you more than most people.” L whispered into his ear. “Don’t be mistaken, I did what I did because I care. Not to hurt you.” 

Matt hit a key and made a sound of approval, “Got it,”  
L moved to look at the screen and in the short silence Light could almost cut the tension with a knife.  
“Light Yagami, born February 28 1999 at 05:59, parents are Soichiro Yagami and unknown mother. Complications during birth: Premature Delivery, Abnormal Presentation. Immature lungs, respiratory distress, and digestive problems. Hospital stay: 5 days.” Matt read out loud.  
“That wasn’t an easy labour,” L mumbled. “Let’s keep all of that in mind.  
“Here’s a list of children that were born on that day, let’s look at the time.” Matt typed something and both men looking at the screen fell silent again.  
“There, ‘unknown baby, born at 05:59.” L said and Matt clicked.  
“Unknown baby born February 28, 05:59, Parents are Lauren Blecher and unknown father. Complications during birth: Premature Delivery, Abnormal Presentation. Immature lungs, respiratory distress, and digestive problems. Hospital stay: 5 days. This must be you Light!” Matt said excitedly.  
“Lauren Blecher…” Light repeated, “she was with me for 5 days… 5 days and she still left me,” the teen spoke.  
“At least you survived. You had major complications, man…” Matt said.  
“Yeah, I’m very happy with that,” Light said sarcastically.  
“At least now we have a name.” L spoke. “Matt, can you see what else you can find.”  
“Ay ay captain.” The boy started typing again. “Let’s have a look.”  
That was the moment Light stopped to think, his anxiety taking hold of him. What if he was in to be disappointed, what if his mother was everything he wished she wasn’t. And what if she was exactly what he wished for?  
Light started to feel nauseous and incredibly dizzy. He grabbed the edge of the desk to steady himself and took a deep breath. A hand landed on his shoulder and L’s voice found its way to Light’s ears. “Are you alright?”  
“Of course, I’m fine.” Light lied, knowing that he wouldn’t go unnoticed anymore. 

Matt interrupted them by clicking his tongue and grunting. “Literally nothing, it’s like she doesn’t exist. The only thing I could find is a Facebook page from years ago, but it hasn’t been used in over 5 years…”  
Light interrupted him, “Are there photo’s?” he asked  
“Yeah, but what do you want with them?” Matt asked.  
“I’ll describe them for you.” L offered, kindly.  
“Thanks.” The brunet sighed.  
“Well, the profile picture is a young woman in the sunshine, she is posing kind of dramatically, it’s quite funny…” L trailed off. “The woman has wavy brown hair, the same colour as your hair. She has sunglasses on so I can’t see her eyes, but she looks kind.”  
Light breathed slowly.  
“The last photo that was uploaded appears to be at some kind of convention…”  
“Vidcon.” Matt interrupted, “he knows what that is.”  
Light could almost hear the annoyance in L’s voice, “Yeah that, the same woman is there with someone else who appears younger, but not much. They are both laughing and posing.” L explained, “Anything I missed, Matt?”  
“Just that you’re an asshole,” Matt murmured under his breath.  
Light chuckled while L pretended not to hear them.  
“Well, is there anything else?” Light asked.  
“Nope, nothing, everything else is private,” Matt said, he stood up and turned away from the desk.  
“This is enough for one day, we’ll search again tomorrow,” L decided, his hand falling away from Light’s shoulder.  
“Okay.” Light agreed and he walked with Matt to the living room. 

“Thanks,” Light hugged his friend as he was about to leave.  
“Anytime, mate.” Matt replied, “I love you, no homo, man,”  
“You have a strange sense of humour Matt, But I love you too,” Light laughed,  
Matt left and Light sighed as he heard L approach. The man halted in front of him and took a slow breath.  
“What do you want?” Light asked, trying to feel confident, but being anxious instead.  
L didn’t say anything for a good 10 seconds, “Nothing,” he said, bitterly.  
“Then excuse me please.” Light tried to walk past him.  
“I don’t think Matt likes me very much.” The raven said before Light could leave the hallway.  
“You were a dick to him, you kind of deserved it.” Light replied, calmly.  
“And you?” L asked,  
“Me what?”  
“What do you think of me?”  
“I think you were being a dick to my best friend for no apparent reason.” Light paused to take a breath and let the words sink in. “But otherwise, I think you are alright.” The brunet turned his head down.  
“That’s great.” He mumbled, “Go to bed now Light, you look like you need it.”  
“Okay,” Light turned to walk away.  
“Goodnight, Light.”  
“Goodnight, Ryuzaki.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **visit me on[Tumblr](https://incorrect-light.tumblr.com/) **


	12. Clueless Lunch

“Sure thing, I’ll start right now.” L mumbled over the phone. He was seated at the breakfast bar, tapping a pen to the cool marble surface.  
Light was on the couch, his fingers running over the study books his father had given to L, but he couldn’t focus on the text today. It had been exactly 20 days, 11 hours, 23 minutes and 6, 7, 8, 9 seconds since Matt had hacked into the medical database and found Light’s mother.  
Light had been doing lots better since then, his headaches had mostly ceased. And he found a steady routine with studying, reading, listening to music and doing other daily things.  
He had had arranged with school that he only had to study for his exams so he could get better at home. His father had agreed and L had asked if Light wanted to stay with him for the rest of the school year.  
Light had wholeheartedly agreed to stay in the apartment instead of his parents’ home. 

And Matt, well, he had been over a lot more than L liked, he came to help Light is his search for his mother, and he occasionally brought snacks and drinks and games, which he then narrated live for the boy that was his best friend.  
Light loved it when Matt was there with him.  
L did his best not to be a dick to the redhead. Which Light appreciated. 

His father visited once a week, forcing Light to sit in the same room as him, feeling awkward and not good enough for an hour. He didn’t allow Sayu to come along. The brunet missed his little sister, he missed their banter and their closeness. He called her at least once a week and enjoyed listening to her many stories of friends and enemies.  
Those hours with his dad were by far the worst of the week. When Soichiro came he started by telling Light that he could look better. Then he usually moved on to asking Light where he was with his studies and regardless of what he had done his father always said it wasn’t enough. After that he talked about the fact that Sachiko didn’t want to see him anymore, that was the part Light hated the most. The woman who raised him, who he loved for so many years didn’t want to see him. Like he was less of a person now he knew she wasn’t his real mother. He could understand of course, it would be very painful thinking about the woman that her husband cheated with. But that wasn’t his fault.  
His father had spoken very little about Light’s mother over the past 3 weeks. When the brunet asked about her, he’d usually ignore him and change the subject, but last time he was particularly open about everything. He told his son that he resembled his mother very much. That he looked like her, walked like her, had the same stubbornness, the same ambitiousness. He had told Light that he was sorry then, but it felt fake, it felt wrong. 

Now Light was studying again, trying to keep his mind with the subject, but he couldn’t. His mind was everywhere but in his book. He sighed, dropping the book to his lap as L on the other side of the living room hung up the phone.  
Light buried his hands in his recently bandage-free hair. He was calculating what would happen if he stopped studying for the day.  
“Everything alright?” came L’s voice.  
Light picked up his book and stood. “Yeah, I just can’t seem to focus,” Light replied, walking to the bar.  
The raven hummed softly, “Let me take you out for lunch, to get your mind of everything.”  
Light smiled, happy that someone made the decision for him, “Alright.”  
L paused and the brunet knew he was smiling. “Okay, let’s go.”

After a 10 minutes car ride, they arrived at a restaurant, the smell of the food already apparent at the end of the street. L described it as a small cozy France place with bright colours.  
Light loved it. Light loved the smell and the cheerful chattering  
They sat in a booth across each other and ordered some drinks.  
“So,” the older man started. “How’s your head?”  
“A lot better, I don’t have many headaches anymore.” Light explained as a waiter was setting their drinks down and gave them some menus.  
L made a sound of approval as he started reading the menu, “The soup here is great, also, I can really recommend the salads.”  
“I’ll have what you are having, I trust your judgement.”  
“Are you sure about that?” The raven laughed.  
Light giggled and nodded, “I’m sure.” 

They placed their orders and waited in silence for a while. Not an awkward silence, just a comfortable one where they were both busy doing their own thing. For Light that meant thinking about math and his studies. For L that meant scribbling something on a napkin.  
The friendly waiter brought them soup with a salad on the side not much later. Light searched for his cutlery when he heard L chuckle, “What?” the brunet asked.  
“On your right, it’s European.” The raven mumbled.  
“Right…” Light shook his head with a giggle.

“So…” Light started a little hesitant, “That case you’re working on,”  
“What about it?” L put down his cutlery.  
“Are you at liberty to tell me?” The brunet asked.  
“I am not.” L replied, with slight curiously in his voice, “Why?”  
Light leaned back in his seat and crossed his arms, “Well, it would be a good distraction with school and all that is going on, you know…” he said, with a hint of cunningness.  
“Well, let’s say that hypothetically speaking, there would be a killer,” The raven chuckled when Light leaned in curiously. “And this killer has killed 12 people, 3 per month, different cities. The killer is likely bullied or has lost someone to bullying. He seeks revenge, so he kills 3 people in 3 nights, the last weekend of the month, all bullies.” L explains. “So, this hypothetical killer, hears that the great detective L joins the search party and flees the country, moves to Europe. And he disappears, once a month he strikes. 3 bullies on 3 nights at the end of the month.”  
“Have you hypothetically asked the children that were being bullied?” Light asked.  
“Yes, ‘hypothetically’ we have, but the killer is smart, he does not kill people who bullied only one person, so, hypothetically, there are too many children to question.” The raven mumbled. “The only lead is that with every case there is this one kid with autism, or ADHD or something like that, we can hardly go off of that, though, there are many kids with autism or ADHD.”  
Light thought for a minute, “so there are no related subjects, no parents, they don’t have the same heritage, the same nanny?” The brunet asked.  
L was quiet for a moment and the sound of fingers tapping on glass made it clear that he was looking at something on his phone. The raven sighed and mumbled something to himself, "Nanny, au pair, counsler, they all go by a diferent name..." Light nodded in confusion, "what?" "The kids that were bullied, we have records of all the people they speak to on a day to day basis, all the kids with autism or ADHD have some one who helps them..." L chuckled. "Every single time there is a kid with an au pair or nanny or counselor or the like." "But is it the same person?" Light asked curiously. "I don't know, but they're all male, have only been there for a month and left due to personal issues right before the first death occurred." L explained. "This can't be a coincidence." 

“Oh my god…” L mumbled to himself, “Light you are a genius!” L exclaimed. He placed a hand over Light’s and laughed.  
Light smiled, a little startle from the sudden excitement, “You’re welcome?” he questioned. “So, an au pair is like a nanny right, just one form another country.”  
“Yeah, but that makes sense, that’s why he has been moving from city to city here in japan, and from country to country in Europe.”  
“So are we still speaking hypothetically or did I just crack the case for you?” The brunet laughed.  
L called over the waiter and asked for the bill. When he had paid he dragged Light to the car in a hurry Light had never seen before. Light was okay with rushing back home to solve a case. In fact, he kind of enjoyed the trill.

“So the last countries in order were, Lithuania, Russia, Hungary, Belarus, Ukraine, Poland, Latvia, Montenegro, Finland, Belgium, Moldavia, Estonia and Czech republic, right?” Light recited after L, “that’s 51 people dead.”  
“Good at counting and a good memory. You are smart, Light.” The raven concluded and typed something on a keyboard.  
“Why this order though, is he going after something, a list, a personal encounter, an alphabetical order?” Light shook his head leaning back against the arm chair in L’s office. “This order makes no sense.”  
“Yeah, I figured that out already.” L said.  
“Bullies, bullies, what could possibly be the order? Have you looked at list of how much bullying was reported throughout the country?” Light suggested while trying to think of anything.  
“Yeah, nothing.”  
Light’s phone rang and Light reached for the device, “It’s Matt, it can wait…” he mumbled.  
L was quiet for a second, “You should take that Light, it might be important,” he said.  
The brunet turned his head towards the raven with slight surprise, “Okay,” he picked up the phone. “Hello?”  
“Light, I’m on my way to Ryuzaki’s right now!” Matt nearly shouted through the phone.  
“Wait, why? What’s going on?” Light asked, a little worried.  
He heard a car door slam and an engine start on the other side of the phone, “I’ll explain when I’m there, but I think I’ve found your mother.” Matt exclaimed.  
“What? Where?” Light asked, immediately panicking.  
“I’ll explain later, 10 minutes!” Matt shouted before hanging up.  
Light lowered the phone and took a sharp breath.  
“What’s wrong?” L asked with a slight hint of concern.  
“Matt thinks he’s found my mother,” the teen felt like his lungs were going to collapse as he clenched his fists.  
The raven was quick to stand up and make his way to the boy. “That’s a good thing Light, calm down.” He kneeled beside him, “It will be fine, I promise.” His words were soft and sweet and Light found the breath that he lost again quickly. 

Ten minutes flew by, the sound of the doorbell disturbing the words the detective was speaking to Light to calm him. “That will be Matt,” L mumbled.  
They waited for Watari to send him into the office.  
The redhead came running in with ragged breath, “Light!” The teen walked to his side and tried to catch his breath. “She’s right here!” he shouted, probably waving something in the air.  
L made a noise that was in between disbelieve and astonishment.  
“What is it?” Light asked.  
“You- youtube…” Matt breathed. “Your mother is married.”  
L laughed softly, as the sound of a youtube video started playing, “married to a woman…” he mumbled.  
Light swallowed, “Really?”  
“Yeah, that’s how she disappeared, her wife, Gwen Aarons, is a crime major. She hid her from something, and Lauren took a different last name…” Matt explained.  
“Gwen Aarons, she’s a Youtuber?” L asked.  
“Yes, and a damn good one.” The redhead replied.  
Light sighed trying to grasp it all.  
This was it, this was the beginning of Light’s new life, or so he hoped.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Leave me your thoughts on the chapter please!  
> love you all <3
> 
> visit me on [Tumblr](https://incorrect-light.tumblr.com/)  
> Look at the BME preview [Here](https://archiveofourown.org/works/9470135)


	13. Goddanm nightmares

It didn’t take them long to find Gwen Aarons, a few google searches and a bunch of hacking into databases...  
“Gwen Aarons, born July 14, 1985 in Eindhoven, the Netherlands,” the raven read out loud. “Current location; Amsterdam, the Netherlands.”  
“I’m half way across the world...” Light sighed, “And with no money.” He ran a hand through is hair as he pulled himself on the desk, sitting next to where L was working.  
“Don’t be silly, I’ll fly us over in my jet,” the detective patted his knee.  
A scoff came from the other side of the room and Light giggled. “My jet?” Matt asked loudly. “Mister rich-ass over there will take perfect care of you Yagami!” the teen laughed in a posh accent. The brunet laughed along, but L didn’t seem so pleased.  
“If you did something with that brain of yours, you would have a jet too.” L mumbled.  
“Ouch! Burn,” Light clapped his hands together.  
“Getting back on topic, your mom is a total badass, man, she is a civil rights activist and she has been travelling across the world to help people. She is one of the top women of the company she works for and is currently fighting for women’s rights throughout the world.” Matt explained, tapping on the metal of the laptop he had with him.  
“She sure sounds amazing, but that doesn’t make up for the fact that she left me on my father’s doorstep,” the brunet mumbled.  
L sighed, “Maybe, but she must have had a reason, Light. I mean, it could be anything,”  
Light jumped off the table and crossed his arms, “Maybe you’re right, but I’m not convinced until I know what the reason is.” He walked out of the room.  
With slight annoyance Light marched into the kitchen to get a cup of coffee. When the water was boiling and the cup was standing on the counter Light went to the cupboard to get the bags of coffee and got more annoyed when he couldn’t find the coffee. The more he searched, the more annoyed he got.  
He had searched in every cabinet in the kitchen and even in the last one he couldn’t find what he was looking for. He slammed the cabinet door shut. Right at that moment Matt walked in.  
“Woah dude, what’s wrong, is this about your mom?” his best friend asked.  
“No, it isn’t.” Light interrupted him.  
“... If it is, you need to let it go, give her a chance to explain...”  
“It’s not about my mother!” the brunet raised his voice. “Someone keeps moving the goddamn coffee, I can’t find it!”  
“It’s on the second shelf on your left,” the redhead said.  
The brunet picked up the package from the shelf and dumped the contents of the small plastic bag in the mug.  
He stirred, spilling half of the coffee on the counter.  
“I’m going home alright? My parents expect me back soon.” Matt said.  
“Alright.” Light tried his hardest not to be angry with his best friend, but at that moment he was angry with the world and everything in it. 

Matt took his leave without another word and Light held his mug with trembling hands, listening as the redhead shut the door.  
On his right, he heard the office door open and turned away from the sound, stepping towards his bedroom to be alone.  
He wasn’t fast enough, and L stopped him in his tracks. “Light, what’s going on?”  
“Nothing. I’m fine.” Light growled as he reached for the door handle.  
“Did you fight with Matt? You seem very angry.” The raven asked.  
“I’m mad because you keep moving the goddamn coffee!” Light bit, then stepped into his room and slammed the door shut.  
He took a deep breath and leaned against the door frame. Closing his eyes in an attempt to calm himself. Slowly he came back to his senses and the buzzing in his ears stopped. He heard L on the other side of the door, pacing.  
Light sat down on the floor and waited, not sure what for. Listening to the footsteps. 

A lot of time passed and Light was thinking, not listening anymore, just contemplating. Making up theories about things, analysing people’s behaviour.  
When L knocked on the door Light wasn’t sure whether he wanted to react or not. L spoke before he could make a decision, “Light, I’m sorry I moved the coffee, I’m not used to having you here, I’m not used to adjusting to you… yet,” his voice sounded muffled through the wood of the door and Light was unsure if L had spoken that last word.  
“Please don’t be angry, I’m trying my best,” the raven said.  
The brunet hesitated, “suicide count,” he mumbled.  
“…Excuse me?” L asked, for some reason unknown to him, Light had hoped for a more dramatic reaction.  
“Lithuania, Russia, Hungary, Belarus, Ukraine, Poland, Latvia, Montenegro, Finland, Belgium, Moldavia, Estonia and Czech Republic, descending suicide counts per country, that’s your solution to the case,” the teen explained. “The next country will be Croatia.”  
L was quiet for a while, Light was sure he was thinking of what to do next.  
“The end of the month is next week and we can’t fly out to Zagreb and find a killer in a week…” Light said.  
“No, you’re right. What do you have in mind?”  
“Well, the next country is France, to be able to hire a nanny, you have to be pretty rich, which is why most of the victims were private school students, there are 9 private schools Paris, we could send a few teams to Paris in the two weeks leading up to the next 3 victims. They will investigate the schools quietly and when we find our killer, we wait.” Light took a slow breath, slightly disagreeing with what he was about to say, “The first victim will likely die so we can confirm out guess is right. When we know the killer, we will send our teams to different locations and catch him before any other murders can occur.”  
“This could work…” L mumbled.  
“In theory, yeah.” Light sighed and stood to open the door.  
Light hoisted himself up from the floor with some effort and opened the door.  
His head was slightly turned down as if he was ashamed of himself.  
“You’ll be an amazing detective one day Light…” L mumbled. He touched Light’s arm and although Light still didn’t like it when people touched him, he didn’t recoil. L’s touch felt like nothing more than an attempt at an apology.  
“Thanks,” the brunet replied, too distracted to articulate more of a response.  
His thoughts had wondered off to what it would be like to have L touch him more. He never had people do that, the only people who every really touched him where is sister and Matt and… his father.  
He suddenly felt dizzy as memories that he had tried to repress resurfaced. 

His father raising his hand in an attempt to hit him and Light crawling as far away as possible to escape…  
The teen shivered and shook his head, blocking out the memories once more. 

“I think I need to lay down for a bit,” taking a few deep breaths Light turned to walk to his bed and was a little disappointed when L’s hand fell away from his arm.  
“Let me know if you need anything,” the raven said before walking away.  
“Yeah, alright.” Light nodded and closed the door. 

When Light laid down, he thought mostly about L, about the butterflies that rampaged through his stomach. He decided that he didn’t mind, and that he was going to be alright.  
Thing were really looking up for him.  
But that night was when the nightmares came back, more vividly, more painful, and scarier than before.  
Waking up in cold sweat was definitely not Light’s favourite thing to do. 

“Light, wake up damnit!” a voice shouted.  
Light woke with a start, and gasped for breath, a headache forming quickly.  
“Wha-” he tried to formulate words.  
“Are you alright?” L asked carefully, both his hands were on Light’s shoulders.  
“Just a nightmare, go back to bed.” The brunet mumbled as he curled up in a ball.  
“You were screaming your lungs out, it’s getting worse every night. I think you should see a therapist or something.” The raven said as he sat down on the edge of the bed.  
“It’ll go away…” Light spoke into his pillow, trying to fall back asleep.  
“You have been saying that for 2 weeks Light, these aren’t just normal nightmares every once in a while”  
“L seriously, it’s in the middle of the night, go to bed.” The brunet was starting to get annoyed now.  
“Fine, but we are going to talk about this in the morning,” the raven said, and left.  
Light yawned and fell back asleep, not fully comprehending that he would have to have a heated conversation in the morning

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am trying, please don't be mad.
> 
>  
> 
> [read this](https://archiveofourown.org/works/13049571/)  
> 


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